Leaving All I've Ever Known (Camren)

11. Another Walk Through Central Park

We walk through Central Parks main walkway. The long stretch of the snow covered road takes me back a couple of days ago when I came here with Sofi.

The trail of footprints that dotted the snows surface had disappeared, leaving a new, fresh path for me and Lauren to walk on.

"Where do you want to take the picture?"

I looked around me, scoping out the perfect place to take my photo.

It's tougher than one would think. No location stands out as prettier than the other. How can I distinguish and pick between something that's stunning from something that's gorgeous?

"Anywhere will do I think."

Without asking, I hand Lauren my phone for her to take a picture of me. I walk to the middle of the path, a few meters away from her, and smile or the camera.

The physical separation the distance brought, took me out of the situation I was in, and made me look at it in a much broader way.

This is the first time I've been alone with Lauren since 2016. It's weird to think of it in that sense.

I don't exactly know how I feel, should I feel anything? She's just taking a picture of me that I'll post on Instagram for my fans. It's something a stranger could do.

Not one of my feelings stand out, but my thoughts are a different story. They're like short spurts of flashbacks, unceasingly changing and turning nostalgic.

Being alone with Lauren reminds me of the nights we used to sneak out together, or slip away from the craziness of being on tour.

Most of those nights were fun, maybe even daring. We were so caught up in each other, especially since it happened so rarely.
But some of those times weren't fun. Sneaking away from everyone was something I didn't want to have to do at times. But I'd always be grateful Lauren was there with me.

*******

flashback

March 2014

*******

"1 to 10, how bad is it?"

"8."

My cries physically shake the both of us. Lauren's fingers run through my hair, she's doing everything possible to try and calm me down.

"Shh, baby. It's okay... I'm here."

"I'm." *sniff* "S-sorry L-Lauren."

She held onto me tighter. We were both laying down in my bunk that we would often share in the tour bus. She stayed calm and collective whilst I had my second panic attack of the week.

"Don't be silly Camz. Cry as much as you want, I'll be here until you stop. I promise."

Lauren always says she promises and she always sticks to it.

My anxiety became overwhelming when we started touring with Demi in her Neon Lights tour. It seems like every other day now that I need to cry and try to release the stress and anxiety that every new concert brings.
It feels selfish since I'm the only one that seems to be affected so badly by the pressure. But I guess you can't choose who anxiety effects.

But I still feel selfish. I wish I didn't have to drag Lauren into this, even if she's always reassuring me that she doesn't mind staying by my side when I have an attack. She doesn't even care that she occasionally misses parties and events because of them.
But it bothers me that it doesn't bother her.