Perfect Illusion: Scars Saga 2

...The Illusion

Chapter 20

...The Illusion

26 February 1994

"They thought it was me," Remus said.

I nodded through my tears. "You... didn't make it to the weekly dinners. You stopped going to the Order meetings."

"I didn't think I'd be welcome at the dinners. And I didn't go to the meetings because..." He sighed. "I was hurting as well, Kate, and I knew seeing you at the meetings would have been too painful. So I gave you the space I thought you wanted."

"I didn't want space, Remus. I wanted you. And I didn't go to the meetings either; James wouldn't let me once he knew I was pregnant."

We were silent and I took the time to wipe away more tears. Remus was the one to break the silence.

"So, you eventually convinced James to let you move out, I presume."

I shook my head. "No. Sirius did."

Remus' eyes shot open wide.

"He suggested the Fidelius Charm. He convinced James to let me move into my own place as long as I lived under the protection of the charm. James agreed, however, reluctantly. I made him keeper and he gave the secret to Lily, Sirius, and Peter. They were the only ones who knew where I lived. It was a small flat surrounded by Muggles, on Rockwell Lane."

"Rockwell Lane?" Remus said in alarm and I nodded.

"The building Sirius supposedly blasted a hole in when he killed those Muggles."

"Kate..."

"I know what you're thinking, Remus, but please, don't say it."

Remus pressed his mouth into a firm line and allowed me to continue.

"I was never alone. After I moved out, James saw to it that at least one of them was always with me. It was Peter more often than not. They all made frequent appearances; our weekly dinners together continued at my flat, but Peter was the predominant visitor. And Peter was there when the first attack happened."

"Attack? What kind of attack?"

"Not from Death Eaters," I said quickly to relieve the bit of worry I detected in his voice.

"It was a panic attack," I explained. "The claustrophobia isn't just a story I made up for Jonathan. It is a very real affliction. Jonathan doesn't know the full extent of it, only that it's why I have to sleep under an illusion of stars every night.

"The Fidelius Charm was the first time since... the kidnapping... that I'd been truly confined. I was fine the first few weeks; there was a lot to do to keep my mind occupied, like setting up Jonathan's room. I painted it the Muggle way, and they all helped. They all contributed their own personal touch. Lily painted a Muggle children's story. Sirius left a trail of paw prints that moved around the room randomly. And James left a couple of castle secrets on the wall, but he charmed them to remain invisible unless given the proper incantation. Peter... I... I can't remember what Peter left, but I'm sure it was something; they all did something."

I trailed off; I was digressing, but Remus didn't seem to mind too much. He smiled fondly.

"But the attack... After a few weeks this feeling, this... pressure started seeping in. I tried to ignore it; I tried to push it aside, but it just kept growing. Peter was there when I reached a breaking point. It's like...I don't know. It's like I just cracked all of a sudden.