save (joshler)

joshua

Josh kicks a stone and it ricochets off his garage.
Today was a good day.
He opens the door to his house and lies down on the couch, taking out his Walkman and listening to the sounds of heavy drums.
His mom comes out of the kitchen, dusting off her hands with a washcloth.
"Hey honey, how was school today?"
Josh shrugs.
"Today was a good day."
"Nothing... noteworthy?" She asks.
Josh sees the huge bags under his mother's eyes, one sign out of a hundred signs that she hasn't slept in days.
He shakes his head.
There was something noteworthy, but tonight, Josh wanted his mom to sleep.
She sat down on the couch parallel to him.
"So basketball tryouts are coming up. I was thinking that you could try that."
Josh pulled his headphones off all the way.
"Mom, I don't exercise. You know that. Stop forcing me."
"Honey, it's just that Dr. Richardson said that exercise would help you be happier."
Josh shoved his headphones onto his head and cranked up the volume.
"Music makes me happy." He mumbled.
His mom left, defeated.
The truth was, Josh did want to play basketball. But he just wasn't up for it. Well he was, his head wasn't. His head whispered to him about things like basketball.
People will look at you, and see you fail.
Josh turned up his music louder, to mute the voices.
And in the locker room, you'll stare at them. And they'll see you stare at them and they'll hate you even more.
•
Josh crawled into bed and stared at the ceiling. He did what Dr. Richardson told him to, and played back the day in his head, finding the highlights.
There was definitely a highlight.
His brain traveled to second period science class. Classmates chatted and the teacher read through the tests, and Tyler walked through the door of the classroom.
Tyler was five minutes late. But at least he was here, because Josh was worried that he wouldn't come at all.
Tyler quietly ran to his seat, as to not be noticed by the teacher. He sat down across from Josh, and pulled out miscellaneous papers from his backpack.
Josh finally built up the courage to tease him.
"You're late." Josh smiled.
Tyler looked up at Josh.
Fuck. What if he thinks you're just weird?
But instead of looking away, a grin broke across Tyler's face. Then he looked down again and started writing on a paper.
Josh's heart had fluttered at his cute smile then, and it fluttered again now as he lay in bed remembering it.
•
Josh dreamed a vivid dream in which he was trapped in a glass box. On each side of the box was not his reflection, although it did move with him as if it was. On one side was a man who was aged and had deep wrinkles, but a wide set grin. On another was a woman with slit wrists, who was slowly bleeding to her death. Josh wanted to save her, but being inside the glass box, he couldn't. On the third side was a forest, dark and intimidating. And on the last side was a boy who had soft brown hair and a soft red tee shirt. The boy was sitting in front of a piano. Josh knew from the looks of the boy that he was Tyler. The notes of the piano song were mute and barely audible, but Josh craned his ears in order to listen to Tyler's music. The music kept getting quieter and quieter as Tyler and his piano moved farther and farther away, until Josh was left pounding on the glass, tears streaming down his face. No. Tyler couldn't leave. Josh couldn't live without Tyler. Josh was choking, trying so hard to breathe but he couldn't breathe now that Tyler was gone. He heard a voice off in the distance, screaming.
"Joshie! Joshie, wake up!" The voice insisted.
Josh's eyes popped open and he saw his mother's face staring back at him. Startled, Josh pushed her away, onto the ground. A little yelp came out of her mouth as she hit the carpet.
"Oh, my god, Mom I'm so sorry." Josh said, rubbing his throbbing head. He held out his hand and helped his mother up.
"It's okay sweetie. Sorry to wake you."
She tucked him back into bed and sat at the edge of his mattress, stroking his sheets.
"What did you dream about?"
Josh didn't want to say everything. "I couldn't breathe."
A tear rolled down her cheek. "I know, I heard you making choking noises and when I walked in you were strangling yourself."
"What time is it?"
She checked her wristwatch.
"One forty two."
"Have you slept at all, Mom?"
She shook her head.
"Mom, you need to sleep. You haven't slept in days."
"I'm alright, pumpkin." She kissed his forehead and left his room.
Josh turned over in bed. He knew she was waiting awake outside his door. He knew there was nothing he could do. So he fell asleep.
And this time Josh tried really hard not to dream anything.