the memory i have of you -

memory three

it was the end of fourth grade when you 'professed' your love for me.

i remember laughing it off and not believing it one bit.

i thought love took a long time. i thought you had to be as old as mom to be in love. i thought that love was something grand and beautiful that only came to people who knew what life was about.

i thought you were lying, but you continued to do things trying to win my love,
like the time you had your mom bake brownies and you wrote my name in icing on them.

or the time when you climbed up that tree and yelled to my bedroom window that you loved me .

or the time where you slept in our treehouse for a week in the summer, with or without knowing your mom was furious with you. 

you claimed you loved me then and i didn't believe you.

i should have believed you.

how was i to know what love was?
fourth grade was a whirlwind and so was i.

after all, i was content with what we had. i told myself i didn't need anything more. i told myself there was better out there. better girls, better options, funny, sweet, nice girls who would appreciate you.

i liked you in my own way. i told myself that keeping you at a distance would help us in the long run. it would force you to see the world and the other people in it.

even when you looked at me like i was the only one who would ever understand you.

i looked at you knowing there would be better. i looked at you knowing you would find better, find real love, even if that wasn't me.

and it wasn't, and that was okay.