the memory i have of you -

memory twenty five

you were in my mind.
everywhere, all at once.

i couldn't stop thinking about you after that moment, after that kiss. i wondered how things would have been different.

wondered if i had made the wrong choice all those years ago.

wondered why, wondered how, wondered if you would come back to me in some way.

the days were long and lost, mostly in thoughts about you.

but the nights, oh the nights, they were splitting.
i would lay awake in bed and stare at my ceiling. i would think about the things i should have done. i would think about the things you said, and how i should have believed them. i thought about who we were and how we were different. i would try to listen to music to stop my mind from racing and regretting.

nothing worked.

i started existing on the fumes of sleep and the cowardice of my heart.

i was breaking slowly.
eroding the same way water does to a rock, slowly and carefully, calculating and chilling.

i would reread our old messages. the messages that felt like worn pages of my favorite book. i would scroll on your social media. i would see the happy pictures and then i would tear up.

i thought about the advice you used to give me.
i thought about the warnings you issued.

i made countless playlists that i would never listen to, wrote countless excerpts of books i'd never finish.

i wondered if i would ever love someone the way i loved you.
i cried when i related to a song too much, and then i would cry when i didn't relate at all.

and then i would close my eyes and let the pain and regret wash over me like a cold straight jacket.

and i would slip into a coma of feelings by the time i lost consciousness.

but every day, like clockwork, i would wake up after three hours of sleep.
i would get up and get dressed.
i would pour my coffee.

i would pick up your wedding invitation and read it over and over again, just to punish myself.

i would look at the wedding date, and cross off the days on the calendar.
and then i would think about the kiss. i would think about the way your lips parted and the way our breath mingled.

and i would remind myself of something that never was.
something that could have been.
something i never let happen.

i would go to work and bury my thoughts like they were the dead. i carried them with me, like i was a pallbearer, and even though the casket was empty, it was still heavy with the idea of you.

i would smile at my coworkers, say yes to dinners with friends, and watch uninvolved movies.

i would laugh at silly jokes people made, eat lunches with my father, and pick out a blender for your wedding gift.

i would paint my nails a pearl white, i would alter my dress the way my mother taught me how, but i would still think.

i would catch the train home and put on my favorite playlist, the one that reminded me of you.

i would walk into my apartment and move your wedding invitation from the dinning table to my refrigerator.

i would shower and scrub the day off as though i could scrub my thoughts away too.

i would put on my pajamas and try to read a book before i'd give up and close it.

i would kiss my cat goodnight and tuck him in before tucking myself in.

and i would attempt to will away the thoughts of you.

it never worked.

i'd heard somewhere that some people are empty after a serious heartbreak.
that wasn't true for me.

i was both empty and full.

i was full of heartbreak, and full of sadness, full of what-ifs, and full of unrequited love.

but i would close my eyes and hope that the next day it would sting a little less.
and somehow, for whatever reason, it never worked.

but i would close my eyes anyway and think about us.

the way we left it, you apologising and looking dazed.
the way we left it, me standing alone in my kitchen with a broken mug and a broken heart.

the glance you gave your wedding invitation on my table. the hurt look you gave me before you left my apartment.

the way i felt my heart strings break with each step you took to the door.

the fleeting thought that i wouldn't survive this one, not this time.

and just like that i would wake up.

and i would do it all over again.

the broken record of a broken girl.