the memory i have of you -

memory ninteen

the end of junior year was you and i ignoring each other's existence.

i hated it but there was nothing to change it.

but i didn't want to do anything about it because at this point i was afraid you hated me, and you were still dating lilla.

so i kept quiet and you did too.

until your mom got a job offer to mississippi.

you didn't want to go and i didn't want you to go. without our closeness there was no way i could say this to you.

my mom held a going away party for your family,
but i didn't stay.

instead i sat on a bench in the park that we loved so much and i thought about the idea of losing you. for good this time.

completely.

you came out after me and sat down beside me.
"i broke up with lilla two weeks ago," you said as you sat down.
this was a surprise to me because i didn't speak to lilla about you and i didn't speak to you about lilla.

i turned my head to face you, "oh" i whispered.

"yeah i'm kind of glad i did" you continued as you picked up a rock to throw into the lake.

"oh? why's that?" i watched as you stood and tried to skip the rock along the surface of the water.
but the rock sank on the second slide and just like that it had disappeared into the blue.

i wondered if that's what would happen to us too once you moved.

"because i didn't love her" you stated simply. there wasn't any emotion in your tone. i knew then that the breakup affected you more than you were willing to let on.

"oh."

"yeah."

we sat in silence for a while until you sat back down and put your head into my lap.

you faced up and stared into my eyes at the most unflattering angle.

i ran my fingers through your hair out of habit.

"i missed you a lot teacup," you said as you closed your eyes.

"i missed you too,"

i sighed in defeat.