the memory i have of you -

memory twelve

it was the fall of tenth grade and we were sophomores.

i was talking about homecoming to you one day while we were visiting the park.

"i'll take you to homecoming," you said as you intertwined my hair strands together.

i looked up at you with surprise etched on my face. even though we had gotten close again i still kept you at a distance. i was afraid of the unknown when i was younger. now i was afraid of you leaving again. i never let you know that, i just swallowed my fears and let the closeness settle in instead.

"don't you want to go with someone though?"
i knew that there had to be
someone you had your eye on. you usually did.

you had broken up with hayley for the last time in the spring. you promised you were done with her. i didn't need your promise but it was nice to hear. i knew if there was no hayley there would eventually be another girl. and though i never knew hayley personally, your relationship with her was known. it was something i relied on. it was something that proved i couldn't tell you my feelings.

it was another girl that you always went back to.

"yeah, i want to go with you," you laughed at me then, and brushed my hair out of the braid you made.

i frowned,

"you don't have to," i said.
i didn't want to be a charity case. a girl who couldn't get a date. a girl who had to rely on her best friend because she was too undesirable.

you bumped your shoulder with mine and grinned at me,
"of course i don't have to, but i want to."

———

as we walked out of the park, you started lagging behind. when i passed you, you jumped onto my back knocking me down. i was clearly not built for your 6' frame and your baseball bulk.

i groaned under your weight and tried to pick myself back up but i failed.

"axel," i whined,
you snorted and clambered off of me.

"here switch," you said after climbing off my collapsed body.

i was able to stand back up and you crouched a little to accommodate my height. i jumped up onto your back and your arms wrapped around my thighs.

"much better," i muttered into your neck.

i remember you specifically smelled like pine needles and freshness, detergent and cologne,

the country and the suburbs.

you smelled like home.

you laughed as i buried my face deeper in your neck.

you continued on through the path in the woods towards our parked car.