the memory i have of you -

memory twenty four

kara honey, i'm so sorry but i had to give it to him. you'll understand someday.
mom xx

i was confused but i didn't have time to ask my mother what she was texting me about. i was already running a few minutes late.

i had things to do that day. i had to pick my dress up from the seamstress who was altering it. i had to do my nails and prepare my report for my internship.

you knocked on my door at nine a.m. sharp. four knocks, the number of letters in both our names. i knew it was you when you knocked.

i had frozen in place, unsure of what to do. i was dressed in my pj's and had no makeup on and my hair was greasy.

you knocked again while i contemplated changing clothing or hiding until you went away.

my mother had aplogized for giving you the address to my apartment.

i opened the door to reveal my distressed self and you were there mid knock.

you looked unsure and anxious and different than the last time i'd seen you at the grocery store.

you had the workings of a five o'clock shadow and bags under your eyes.

in a strange way it was nice to know we both looked rough. but your engagement band was still on.

"kara," is all you said.

i stepped aside silently letting you into my apartment.

your eyes took in the mess of my apartment. the green couch that reminded me of those very eyes, the ikea tv stand, the coat rack, water glasses left out, the pile of papers on my coffee table and your wedding invitation on my dining table.

i closed the front door behind you and moved some things off of the couch.

"um this was a bit unexpected, but i have coffee or water if you'd like," i offered.

you turned around to look at me again and accepted my invitation to coffee.

i walked to the kitchen while you sat down on the couch. i took out one of the mugs i painted with college friends and poured coffee into it.

"i- uh. i don't know how you take your coffee anymore," i said slowly as i looked up from my kitchen counter.

"just black please," you requested. with our coffee in hand, i set yours down in front of you and took a sip of mine.

you didn't say anything nor did you touch the mug i place on the coffee table.

"kara-," you were choosing your words carefully, you were trying not to overstep.
"kara, i- what- what happened? why didn't you reach out to me when i finished bootcamp?"

i looked at you confused.

"i did reach out. i tried to text you and you never responded to me so i assumed you had moved on."

"when exactly did you text me?"

"well i'm not sure, sometime last year i think," i was confused and now upset that you were in my apartment asking me something you should have already known.

i avoided your gaze and looked out my window instead.

"i changed my number after i finished bootcamp. i thought you would have asked my mom for the new phone number."

you were staring at me and i could feel the disappointment in your gaze.

"oh. well, i guess that doesn't exactly matter now does it ?" i sighed and took another sip.

"you're getting married axel," i stood up to get your coffee cup and pour it in the sink.

you caught my wrist in your fingertips and then you stood up next to me.

"kara i wouldn't be getting married if you had texted the right number."

the bluntness of your confession startled me and i dropped my half full coffee cup on the hardwood flooring.

i pulled my wrist out of your grasp as i darted to the kitchen to get paper towels to clean up the mess.

you picked up the broken ceramic pieces and collected them in your hands.

we cleaned up the mess in the silence after your confession.

i threw away the paper towels and held the lid open for you with the foot pedal.

you placed the broken ceramic in the trashcan and when you looked up we were closer together than i thought.

you took a chance and tucked some of my hair behind my ear. you touched my face while holding my gaze.

this felt different and more than that, it felt wrong.
i felt the coolness of your engagement ring while you held my face.

at some point in this embrace i had started crying and you wiped my tears away with your thumb.

you touched your forehead to mine and closed your eyes. in order to stop crying i closed mine too.

and then you kissed me.

it was a sweet kiss. it was everything that we had left unsaid, then and now. it was a delicate kiss. it was a request. it was longing. it was everything i'd hoped it would be.
but it also filled my stomach with dread in between the beat of butterfly wings.

for you the kiss meant something.

for me the kiss was goodbye.