the memory i have of you -

memory seventeen

"so, axel asked me on a date and i really want to go, would you mind or do you want me to decline?"
lilla was beautiful, golden hair with the perfect nose. tanned skin from playing high school softball. the smallest nose with the whitest teeth.  and the most contagious laugh of all of our friends.

you asked her out.

even though you said you loved me, even though it was years ago.
but people change as all people do and time worked its magic.

i remember suffering a small pain filled smile and biting back my tears. i understood wanting someone. i understood wanting to be in a relationship because i felt that way too. but to ask my friend out and not tell me was something uncharacteristic. and maybe that's why you chose not to tell me, but the only thing i could think about was you hiding something from me.

"i wouldn't mind at all, go ahead, just make sure you don't hurt him," i smiled softly at her. lilla knew my feelings but she would be a fool not to accept a date. he was a star athlete, he was handsome, and more than that he was respectful and a gentleman. i knew she would be in good hands, regardless if those were the hands i wanted to be in.

"are you sure? i know you love him," she looked down not wanting to see my expression.
i looked away not wanting to see hers.

"he doesn't love me in a romantic way. you should go for it, lilla i see how he looks at you," i said with my head clear and my heart confused.

and it was true, i did see how he looked at her. i saw the way he walked her from her locker to her classes. i saw the way he smiled when she would text. i saw the way he always sat next to her when our friends would get together.

"i just feel badly and i don't want to hurt you," she  said quietly.

"it's alright really i don't mind. i want you to be happy," i replied as brightly as i could.
i didn't want to be an outside force preventing my two best friends from being happy.

"i want you to be happy too kara, i'm not going," she finalized without looking at me.

"if you don't go i will never forgive you. you mean a lot to him if he's asked you out. he'd sworn off of dating and for him to break his swear means you are important to him," i sighed.

even if it was an a&k swear he was breaking . i was happy it was a good person. but the more i talked about it the more i was breaking my own heart. and unfortunately there was nothing i could do.

at the same time i swallowed my pride and the pit in my stomach.

"fine, fine, i'll go" she glanced at me to make sure i was giving her confirmation.

"have fun okay?" i looked back at her and smiled. possibly one of the hardest smiles i'd ever have to muster up. possibly the last smile i would have when talking about you.

"yeah, i-we will"

and that night was one of many where i cried about a girl who loved a boy who loved another girl.