the memory i have of you -

memory ten

it was the first week of ninth grade.

time feels like it's slipped away from us.
i feel older, more in tune with my own thoughts, more in tune with my own identity.
and yet,
still hopelessly in love with someone who had someone else.

but just like other feelings i pushed them down and blocked them out.

you'd lost your boyish features and you'd grown up. you have shaggier hair and your eyes have hazel in them now.

you'd gotten a tan from playing baseball and your muscles are much more noticeable than they used to be. you still have your heartwarming smile and a dimple on your left cheek. you're still you, but not in the same way.
i'm still me, but not in the same way.

we'd occasionally talk from time to time but you don't come over anymore. you hadn't in a while.

you're too involved with hayley.

for the fourth or fifth time.

i've grown used to it, and as much as it used to hurt, it's a dull pain now. an understanding that no matter who i might have been is not who i am now.
and she's a reminder that there is better than me. a reminder how i always wished you'd be with someone truly made for you.

i made my own memories because you weren't there to help me make them.

———

like nothing ever happened, you came back to me.

it was a sunny day and i was smiling and laughing with my friends.

you came up behind me and tickled my sides just like you used to back in sixth grade.

i jumped and turned around ready to yell at the person who had done it.

my brown eyes met your green ones once again.

my lips parted a little when you gave me the same boyish grin i remembered from years ago. i looked at the new you and remembered the new me.

my anger melted away to a small smile. i was still me, and you were still you but, we were not us.

you opened your arms to welcome a hug but i didn't take it.

instead i cast my eyes downward and turned my head.

it had been months and months and i was not ready to let you as close. and even though you didn't mean to abandon me, you had.
and it still sort of hurt.
even if it was a shallow wound by now.

i feared you would leave again. and what would happen to me then? would i fall apart again? would i be able to get back up?
would i still believe in love after?

but you wrapped your arms around me just like you used to, until sam stepped in.

"that's enough axel. she's been fine without you," sam, the tallest boy in the world faced you head on.
sam, the boy i grew feelings for after you started dating hayley.
the boy who tried his best to fill the space you left.

the confidence in your eyes began to waver and you started to look a little lost.

you looked to me but i looked away.

"we need to talk,"

you said.

you walked away from me that day and i let you.