the memory i have of you -

memory eighteen

you dated lilla for months.

you saw me less and we talked less too.

i didn't know how to approach you and you seemed so happy that i didn't want to mess it up for you.

so when you waved i waved,
and when you smiled at me i smiled back.

and when you asked to hang out i avoided you and made up excuses.

you cornered me one day at the lockers. i was getting out my ap government book. i was just about to close my locker when i felt you standing next to me. i closed my locker and faced you.
i would have rather run.

"why are you avoiding me?" you asked me. you were clearly upset and there was an edge in your voice. it sounded like you hadn't gotten good sleep in a while.

"i'm not avoiding you, what gave you that impression?" i responded in a measured tone. i hadn't seen this side of you in a while. not since the day in the treehouse. i knew you were upset but i didn't realize you were this upset.

"you are avoiding me. stop lying. i want to know what's wrong , i miss you," the edge was gone and replacing it was sadness.

i looked down,
"you can't say that to me anymore axel."

and i turned around and walked away. i clutched my hands around my textbook as if that would save me. as if i could sink into my textbook like it was quicksand. as if i could outrun my feelings for you.

i know it was probably not a good idea but i couldn't stand to look at you anymore i was so distraught.

———

and you let it go for a while thankfully,
but like always you came back to me.

you walked into my house after school with an angry look on your face.

"kara we need to talk," you said angrily.

i looked at you but said nothing. what more was there to say?

"kara please talk to me it's been months i miss you i love you and i want you back," you pleaded with emotion in your eyes.

and even though i could tell there was emotion in your eyes, it wasn't the emotion that i needed.

i closed my eyes, sighed and turned around. i walked up the steps to my room, and locked the door.

you followed me up my staircase and yelled through the door,

"kara if you don't open this door i will break it down," the sadness making your voice crack on the word 'break'.

'how fitting' i thought to myself.
how ironic this all is.

i stayed still, and tried to make as little noise as i could.

you put your back to my bedroom door and slid down until you were sitting. i heard you cross your legs and let out a long sigh.

we were back to back and i was not ready to tell you what was going on, i wasn't sure when i would be ready.
and at this point, i wasn't sure i would ever be.

i wasn't ready to tell you that i loved you as more than a friend.

so i didn't.

and after an hour you stood up, walked down the stairs and softly closed my front door.

once i heard the door close, i let out the breath i had been holding and i cried.