the memory i have of you -

memory twenty two

my first year of college was a rough one.

i had moved in early to UNC and made lots of friends, but there was always something missing.

i thought it would be easier to forget you.
i went to parties, i drank the things my friends gave me. i took the things my friends gave me and slowly, and then all at once i was over you.

i got lost in my classes and got a new job.

i missed all of my old friends and people we had grown up with, but i no longer missed you.

you went to marine bootcamp in california and for the first few months you weren't allowed to have your phone.

you sent me your first letter,

kara,
bootcamp is hard, but missing you is harder. i can't wait until i get my phone back. they yell in your face here and expect things to be done in the most precise way possible. the barracks are horrible but the food could be worse. i share a bunk with a guy who went to high school the town over from ours. i know we're in different states and we're thousands of miles apart but i miss you being right here.

please write back,
i miss you,
axel.

i knew it was going to be hard but i didn't realize it was going to be that hard.
i opened your letter but i didn't write back right away.
it was too difficult and i was annoyed my parents gave your mom my address.

when i finally wrote back it was a short letter.

axel,
i'm sure it's difficult but you can do it. this has been your dream and you're finally honoring your father the way i always knew you would.
college has been fun and difficult but i feel brand new.
this has been something i've wanted for a long time.
i know that you miss me.
know that i miss you too.

this might be bad timing, or the wrong way to tell you, but things are different now. i'm dating someone new and i think he really might be the one. he doesn't know you like i do and he doesn't like the contact we have.
i can't write anymore letters after this one.
i'm sorry to do this, and i hope one day you can forgive me.
love you always,
kara.

you didn't write me again, and eventually i stopped wondering if you would.

it was true, i was dating someone new.
he made me happy. he saw my flaws and appreciated me for who i was. he was good to me in a way i'd never experienced before.

i really did think he was the one.

———

he wasn't but neither were you.
and i knew that.

i learned a lot in my first year, at eighteen.

the age where you think the world opens up to you, and it does. but it also shows you how foolish you can be and how selfish others are. i learned how to be quiet. i learned how to make myself small. i learned how to forget about my feelings.

i learned that a relationship is not a good one if you are speaking your mind. i learned that he liked to know where i was, and what i was doing, and who it was with. i learned that i wasn't enough for him to keep his word.  that i only existed in the crevices of his mind. that my feelings didn't matter unless they were slathered in unchallenging opinions.

i will never be the same.

i learned that the yelling comes second and the manipulation comes first.

i learned the third step was isolation and the fourth step was feeling crazy.

i learned that getting away was harder than i thought, that breaking the cycle of emotional abuse was harder than i thought it would be. i gave up my feelings of self importance in the relationship.

i forgot myself, and i let myself forget because that was easier. it became much easier when someone was telling you to do it.

———

but i held strong, and i thought at night when he couldn't take that away from me. i talked to my friends before i saw him and after. i explained myself and my feelings. i told them how i was scared. and how i was afraid something bad would happen. i told them i was afraid it was my fault at first.

i started focusing on school and work and i stopped making time for him.

i regained my mind in assignments and course studies. i regained my opinions when i spoke to my friends.

i listened to music that accurately described the battle within. i fought with myself about myself.

and then i fought with him.

———

some days i realised that i had forgotten to thank my friends and family.
some days i remembered my favorite foods.

other days i would remember you.