Teaching Nostalgia [Gumlee]

Chapter 18

Three am.
I woke up and looked at my surroundings, blinking the sleep from my eyes while trying to focus in the dark. The first think I noticed clearly was my beautiful boyfriend sleeping next to me. He didn't look as peaceful as he usually does while snoozing. Bubba's blonde caterpillar brows were slightly furrowed; his pink hair tangled and messy.

I remembered how grumpy I was to him earlier and assumed that must be the reason for his slightly distraught appearance. I felt bad. He had done nothing wrong. He opened himself up to me about his problems, and in the long run, I had done nothing but push him away and ignore him.

I reached out and brushed a few faded pink strands off his forehead. He fidgeted a little and I retracted my hand quickly, afraid I woke him up. His eyebrows scrunched together more and he frowned before settling back to his expression before. I frowned.

I couldn't help but feel like all I was doing lately was disappoint him. And that sucked. He deserves the world and so much more and I know I can't give it to him. He's always so stressed and I have no idea how to help him. And even when I try to help, I always seem to make it worse somehow. He'd be way happier with someone else... Maybe I'm overthinking this. As I usually do.

I sighed and slowly scooted closer to him, nudging my face into his neck and cuddling onto him. He let out a tired groan in his sleep and adjusted himself, wrapping a heavy arm around me. That was another thing that made me frown. I want to go further with him, of course I do. How could I not? Just look at him! But every time we get close, I immediately back out and I hate myself for it. I was afraid. I wouldn't even know where to start!

And the more I thought about all the stuff I want to do to him, the more I thought about what I wanted him to do to me... And that scared me even more. Not because it was dangerously kinky or anything, no. But because it was too real for me, and it wasn't something I wanted to admit to myself yet. I hated the way I felt being cuddled so lovingly in his arms. I hated the way I reacted whenever he gave me those eyes. I hated the way I felt so gushy when he put his arm around my shoulders or hips. I hated the way I wanted him to... dominate me.

My dominance was withering away before my very eyes and I hated it. Yet it was everything I wanted. It was as if our roles were switching and it scared me. I couldn't believe it. Me, Marshall Lee Abadeer, once a known legend, a fuckboy, was now being cuddled in the arms of some pink-haired gay kid. And I loved it. And hated myself for it.

It was bad enough that I was dating a guy in general (which some stupid punks at school decided to start teasing me for). My masculinity points took a nosedive. And now, they're going to fall straight into a volcano if I let this submissive thing continue. I couldn't let this go on if I wanted to keep my masculinity in tact. This needs to end now.

I sighed and closed my eyes, snuggling closer to him. Maybe just this once. His hold on me tightened and I couldn't help but smile sadly. "Glob, how I love you," I whispered in the darkness, biting my lip to control my quivering lip, blinking back the stinging in my eyes.

If you love something, let it go. My conscious spoke out. My eyes stung more and I buried my face into Bubba's shirt. I didn't want to let him go. I loved him too much to just drop him like that... But maybe it was for the best... He'd be way happier without me holding him back like some depressed paperweight. And I wouldn't have to deal with these thoughts of him dominating over me.

Glob, why am I like this?

I sniffled against chest, clinging onto the back his soft shirt. Bubba stirred in his sleep and I froze. He let out a sleepy grunt and removed his arm from me, rubbing his eyes with a yawn as he stretched into his back. "What time is it?" He mumbled in a raspy voice. Oh what I wouldn't give to hear him speak like that all the time...