Teaching Nostalgia [Gumlee]

Chapter 24

The ride home felt odd to say the least. Not only was it weird to drive by myself again after so long, but I just felt strange after leaving Marshall. It was like I wanted nothing more than to stay there with him, but also like I couldn't wait to get away from him. Not exactly a good mix. I missed him, but the tension between us earlier was just so unsettling. It wasn't natural and I didn't like it.

As soon as I got home I went upstairs and changed, hoping to please the OCD thoughts in my head. Voices, I've grown to call them. Every time I went out they complained about letting germs in, so changing as quick as I could was something I felt necessary. I couldn't let the germs get on my things. Germs mean they could get me sick and if I get sick I'll die. Glob, I sounded like a crazy person. Honestly, I sounded like Marshall Lee. He used to talk about the voices in his head and how they told him some weird shit. I never understood until recently and now I know why he used to call himself crazy too.

I hated how much I thought about him, how much I cared about him when it felt like he didn't even give one shit about me anymore. I didn't want to sound like that person but I've done a lot for him, and what did I get in return? A broken heart and reappearing mental problems. Thanks a lot, pal. But will that stop me from continuing to think and care about him constantly? Sadly, nope.

With an exasperated sigh, I flopped backwards on my bed, ruining the perfectly made comforter. I tried to silence my mind before the voices even came. I wasn't in the mood to listen to pesky complaining right now. Though that's the thing about issues like these, you're never in the mood for them. All I wanted to do was mope and regret my life decisions in the comfort of my own room. Was that too much to ask? Apparently it was; There was a soft knock on my door.

"Honey? You okay? How was your first time driving again?" Pepper asked with a calm voice, sounding a little tired. I sat up in bed, watching her softly shut my door; she knew I needed it to be closed at all times.

I shrugged my shoulders when she sat down next to me, fixing her robe around her. Pepper was on the list of people who were allowed to touch me and my things. "I'm fine," I said. "Driving went better than I thought it would." Despite the whole ride just being me worried about crashing the car or trying not to die of awkwardness with Marshall, it wasn't horrible I guess.

"That's good. Did you have any of those... bad thoughts while driving?" Pepper asked in a cautious voice. My eyes focused on something elsewhere. Sometimes when my OCD gets really bad, my brain likes to project these bad and sometimes violent or disturbing thoughts and ideas. My psychiatrist called them 'intrusive thoughts' and said they were completely normal for someone like me to have; that I wasn't crazy for sometimes thinking about harming my self or other people. Having those thoughts didn't mean I actually wanted to do them (hence the reason why they're called 'intrusive').

"Only a couple," I admitted. Luckily those severe horrible thoughts were pretty rare for me; my OCD is mostly around contamination, with some added fun of checking things repeatedly. My psychiatrist also said it was good to have someone else to talk to about these things. Pepper was definitely trustworthy and really cared about what was going on in my head; even if she didn't really understand, she wanted to be there for me. "They suggested I crash the car right after I left the house. Then once again when I was with Marshall but that's it." 'They' being the 'voices'/ intrusive thoughts. Luckily I was able to block them out after a while.

Pepper sighed sort of sadly, "Oh, Barnaby." Her face looked like a mix of hurt and nervous. "No more driving for a while, alright?"

"Fine by me." Driving sucks.

"How did being alone with Marshall go?" Pepper continued on the conversation. She clearly was curious and I couldn't blame her. I made some weird decisions tonight.