Is This Reality

You Know There's Now Where To Hide

I've never felt this worthless. Never in my life have I ever experienced this much guilt and pain. Nothing in my life compares to the pain I feel now.

Alan's gone which is good because I can finally smoke. I mean we smoke together sometimes but I smoke a lot more than he does now. I also do a lot more than he does. He doesn't like it but I don't care at this point. I don't care about anything anymore. I just don't wanna feel anything. Losing her broke me. Yeah I'm sure people care about me and they are worried but I don't care. Im fine. I don't need help.

I packed the bowl and lit it. I took a hit and smiled. Soon I smoked the entire thing by myself. Deciding I wanted something stronger I took some white powder out of a baggy and I set it on the table. Taking my credit card I lined it up and snorted it. Sniffing and rubbing my nose a few times I was finally satisfied. I went to the cabinet and grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels and sat on the couch. I took a swig as I sat there. It felt like eternity before the door opened and in walked in some people. Austin and Alan it sounded like. I didn't really care enough to look though. I went to take another drink and found I already drank the entire bottle.

"Babe" he said and I turned to him and his features were enough to make me start crying. He was puzzled and took me in his arms. I sobbed and sobbed and look over his shoulder and see Austin looking at me but with anger. He saw my bowl. He saw the leftover coke on the table and my credit card covered in it and cleared his throat. Alan let go and turned toward him and his face was puzzled. "Do you know what this is and what it does to you? How long has this been going on" Austin demanded. He and I were close and I knew he cared for me but at the time I didn't care. Alan walked over and smelled it. He looked at me and saw the Jack Daniels on the floor. I would've cried but I didn't have any tears left to cry. It's like something in me snapped. Suddenly I didn't care anymore. I didn't care about them or anyone, not even my own sister. "What the fuck does it look like" I snapped and crossed my arms. 'Fuck this" I thought and walked right past them outside onto the porch. I was out there for maybe thirty minutes when Austin came outside and stood next to me. "What happened to me" I asked to no one imp articular. I turned to Austin and his eyes held sympathy as he gave a sad smile. My eyes were blood shot and I was so tired. Tired of everything. The lies, the hurt, me. "Austin I don't know if I can do this anymore. I just can't. I don't wanna go to rehab or a mental institute. I don't want help. I just wanna feel nothing and no matter how hard I try it comes back. The numbness, the voices, everything. I don't even love Alan anymore. I can't help it I just don't and fro some unknown reason the only person on this planet my brain will let me talk to is you. I still love you because your my best friend. But I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of crying and fighting. I'm just tired" I spilled and more tears spilled over. Austin pulled me in his arms and held me for what felt like forever. He kissed my head and told me everything was going to be okay. That he loves me and so does everyone else and that we will find a way to fix this. He almost was convincing.

You can only trust him. Maybe. No one else. Don't tell anyone else anything.

No one should have to put up with your pathetic ass. No one loves you except maybe him. You failed everyone and disappoint everyone too. Pathetic piece of shit.

"Stop" I fainly said and they just got louder and louder.

"STOP" I yelled and covered my ears as I bent over. Austin made me look at him and told me to calm down. "Hey hey hey, look at me okay? Focus on my voice and only my voice. Everything is going to be okay I promise. Okay, calm down, breathe in and our slowly. In and out okay. Follow me" he soothed as he motioned for me to copy him. I stared at him like he was an alien for a second and then copied him. Breathe in slowly and out slowly. I slowly put my hands down from my ears and to my sides and stood up. I felt better. I wrapped my arms around his stomach and he hugged me back. "Thank you" I mumbled against him. He laughed and told me that  it was no problem. We went inside and I went to my room. He covered me up and kissed my forehead. "Where is Alan. I whispered. The thought of him leaving saddened me a lot." He went to stay at my place. He said he needed time to think. Don't take it personal he told me and tears formed in my eyes. I drove him away. Like I do everyone else. The one guy I loved truly is going to leave me. "I'll go talk to him. Goodnight Marilyn" he said and left. I was alone again.