Is This Reality

I Just Rolled Up From The Dope Man

Rolling around in a wheel chair all day isn't fun. Trying to get up in the middle of the night to check on your baby's but you can't cause you can't get up. You try and you fall right on the ground and need help to get up. You don't go anywhere for fear of embarrassment and the pain is too much on your body so they prescribe you pain pills that you get addicted too. Life for me isn't fun and its going downhill.

My babies are having to stay with my aunt right now cause the boy's are on tour and I can't get up to do anything. I hate it so much and I want to get better but I just can't bring myself to do it.

Realizing what time it was I rembered that I needed to take my medicine. Rolling myself to the kitchen I grab my bottle of oxy's and pop a couple. They help with the pain and I'm only supposed to take one but I take two cause I like the high I get. After that I roll myself back to my room and grab my tin that has my weed in it and take it out. Taking some in my hand I put it in my grinder and grind it then put it in my bowl. I didn't really start smoking weed again until I became paralyzed. I mean yeah I used to smoke it but not as much as I do now. Lighting it up I took a big hit and breathed  in before coughing.

Now I know you guys probably think I'm a horrible mother but I really don't care. My children mean everything to me but I'm alone and paralyzed from the waist down so I can't really take care of them. It's shitty and I wish I could take it all back but I can't. I can't take any of it back and I want to just feel nothing. Nothing at all. I want to be able to walk again. I just want to be normal. He'll I even got fired from the one good thing I had left and that was my job as a tattoo artist. Now I have no money and nothing to do. Nowhere to go but be stuck in this hell I call home.

Austin didn't tell me when they would b back but I'd assume sometime soon since they've been gone for a few months and warped is over now.

Going to my room I manage to somehow get myself on the bed and just lay there. I just stare at the ceiling when I hear the door open. Pushing myself up far enough to where I can see the hallway I yell and ask who it is.

I see a very tall figure and soon it becomes clear that its Austin and there finally back. I sigh and flip back down on my bed so he didn't have to see right away how bad I looked.

"You've been gone for a while" I said quietly. Trying to ignore the fact that he never wants to text me any more.

"I wanted to surprise you. Are you okay?" He asked and sat me up so he could look at me. If you could've seen his face. He looked like he just saw a ghost. I mean if you saw how I looked then you would have the same facial expression too. I look awful.

"What happened to you" he said with shock and his hand covering his mouth. I put my head down in shame from all the shit I've done and its just now catching up with me. 

Seeing the broken look on his face really opened my eyes. Everything I've done while they've been gone. All the drugs i was so into. Not seeing my kids. Being stuck here. Loosing the one job I loved. I was so ashamed.

I felt arms wrap around me and all I could do was sit there and cry in there arms. Tears just flowing down my face I apologized over and over again to whoever it was. By the smell I could tell it was Austin though. He pulled away and looked me in my lifeless eyes.

"We will get through this okay? I'm going to help you get better. Your going to be fine. Because i cant loose the one person I care about more than myself. I love you and Im not gonna watch you destroy your life"  he said and kissed me on my forehead.

I guess Im gonna get better. With the help of Austin anything is possible. I really love him. A lot more than I wanted to admit.