_43_YOU CAN ONLY PRETEND FOR SO LONG

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I go about my life for about a month without too much difficultly. I wake up at relatively the same time every morning and work on school, my goal being to make it to summer. I know that if I can just make it through the rest of the school year I'll be able to recover... at least I hope that'll happen.

Around the beginning of March though, something just has to fuck up my whole regulation. I had been hanging on just barely, pushing every thing that still haunts my dreams to the back of my skull, only letting it surface when I awake paralyzed in the middle of the night, the images of faces that haunt my subconscious  fading away as I catch my breath.

I don't even remember what happened before New Year's until Patrick tells me there's something in the mail for me. At first I think maybe Echo has resorted to writ-ing a letter to get in touch with me. He has tried all but coming to the front door. Though I think he may be too scared to try to face Pete and Patrick, he probably assumes I've told them.

When I look at the return address on the envelope though I feel an odd mix of anxiety and joy. My fingers skim along the glued flap of the envelope, wondering what could possibly be waiting for me inside. I set it on my desk to admire it for a moment, wonder-ing if I should even open, or if I should preserve the wonder for a while.

After a while though, my curiosity gets the better of me. I reach over and gently open the envelope and retrieve a typed letter.

Lucy,

I'm not sure exactly what you want from me, but I can offer you an explanation. I don't know what you remember from the last time we were together, but here's what happened:

It was a couple days before your birthday and I had gotten a phone call from Michael Moray, your father. Now, I hadn't spoken to this man in over six years, but he needed help. You may not understand now, or ever, but it would have been wrong for me not to go. It was your birthday that he had told me I needed to be there, so I planned to bring you to your aunt's for the afternoon.

Around one o' clock he had called me again while I was driving. He was not in a good state, I didn't have time to drive the half hour to your aunt's house, so I decided to go to my mother's retirement home, which was only fifteen minutes out of the way. I was on my way when the car broke down, you have to understand it was urgent that I be with your father right away, it was a matter of life and death.

So I left you. I'm sorry, I know that I could've done more, but I knew someone would find you. I went off to find your father, but he was dead before I could reach him. When I came back for you, you were long gone. I decided then that I wasn't cut out to be a parent so I tried to forget about you and live my own life.

Now, I am happily married with another child. His name is Aiden, your half brother. My new family does not know of your existence and I plan to keep it that way. I hope you can understand that I can not provide anything for you. I can't be there so there is really no need to keep in touch.

With this, I bid you a final goodbye Lucy. Good luck in life, I'm sure you'll do great things.

Mom

I crumple the letter in my hand, tears rolling down my cheeks relentlessly. I let out a broken sob that grows into a hoarse scream. My breathing becomes rapid as I yell and clench my fists, tugging at my hair to try to get a grip on the present. My whole body goes numb and I find myself curled on the floor, someone coming to sit beside me, probably to see why I'm having a mental breakdown.

They ask what's wrong and I can't help it anymore. Everything pours out in pathetic attempts at sentences, punctuated with sobs and tragic wails. They hug me tight and I cling to them, hoping they'll hold me together until I escape into sleep.

It's not until a week later that I realize that it was Patrick who comforted me. Images of his terrified face are burned to my eyelids. Pete eventually had to explain to me that this wasn't the first time Patrick had found someone in that state. I don't ask who, thinking I can make a pretty good guess with how vague he's being.

I start to feel guilty then, I should've never let them adopt me. I'm just a burden by now. I've got the whole nine yards nowadays. A lawyer, a case in court, a therapist, a pharmacist, and a couple bottles of pills to down each day.

I guess I'll always be someone's responsibility. I mean, I obviously can't seem to take care of myself. Every time I visit my therapist she seems to diagnose me with something new, which is honestly kind of an insult. I get the whole anxiety and depression, but bipolar disorder? I really don't think that's necessary.

Still, I take the medicine they give me just because somewhere deep down in my mind I truly believe it will help me get better. I try my hardest to be happy, and eventually my smiles become a little more genuine.

Pete and Patrick seem to notice the difference in my moods. They shower me with constant attention and love. It's nice to have someone like them to look after you, but it's a little much sometimes.

I escape to James when I can. We've grown closer this past month. I keep him updated on my life and when I call him crying after they issue Echo his sentence in court he comforts me and tells me he can come down for a week during the summer.

So I hang on until then. I learn to manage myself and how to allow myself to lean on others when I don't need to be so strong. James constantly reminds me that I'm doing great given the circum-stances and that I don't have to worry about anyone coming to hurt me anymore. It doesn't do much for nightmares, which I'm certain I'll have for the rest of my life, but it's nice to have someone there, even if they're a whole state away.

When he does come, I don't want him to leave. We make plans for another visit and talk about attending the same college in a couple of years. I take what I can get and send him off with a somewhat joking pout.

Oh my gosh guys it's like pretty much over! I still have the epilogue, which I'm super excited to write. And there's going to be a sequel which will be probably much shorter than this forty-something parts.

Anyway, I hoped you all enjoyed this story as much as I enjoyed writing it. This isn't the end though, not yet. I will be back with an update very soon, don't worry.
<3

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