Chandler Riggs Imagines

Relapse #1

- TRIGGER WARNING -

~ Your POV ~

Friendo: Do you even love Chandler?

Your eyes widen at the shocking message you just received from one of your closest friends, someone who is also very good friends with Chandler. You are currently arguing with them, while Chandler is off filming. You travelled with him, because he worries about leaving you alone, and because you wont allow yourself on set in fear of spoilers, you have shut yourself away in Chandlers hotel room. This argument with your friend began with him sending you a picture of you holding hands with some other guy. He sent you a message out of the blue, saying "Oi oi, who's this fella? 😉" to which you simply replied "I literally have no clue, never seen him before lmao" and, in response, he started accusing you of cheating on Chandler, even though the picture was, quite obviously, very badly photoshopped. But, for him to accuse you of not loving Chandler, that's a big step over the fucking line.

You: Of course I fucking love Chandler! I love him more than anything! How could you even say that to me!?!

You feel your body start to shake with anger as you lie on your stomach, on the hotel room bed. You owe Chandler so much, he's the best thing that has ever happened to you, and anyone that sees you together cant deny how much you adore each other. How could someone considerably close to both of you accuse you of such a thing?

Friendo: Why do you think he's away so much? Do you REALLY think he's filming? For ALL THAT TIME? No, he just wants to get away from you. You're too clingy, and he's getting sick of it. He told me. He's planning to break up with you, because he just cant handle it.

You're no longer shaking with anger, but with fear. You've had anxieties over things like this since you got together, because of past relationships ending due to the other person cheating on you, or telling you that you arent good enough. And now Chandler is telling his friends he plans to break up with you? Though that doesnt sound like something Chandler would do, because he's the type of guy to keep stuff about the relationship, IN the relationship, if his friend is telling you this...

You: What?

You dont know what else you can say, because you're being consumed by your own confusion. You dont know what to do. Your mind is racing with negative thoughts, all the times you've heard him sigh over you being stubborn, all the times he said he loved you but sounded like saying it was nothing but a hassle, the few arguments you had shared with him over petty things that mainly revolved around your anxiety. Oh god, your anxiety. That has caused so many problems in all of your relationships.

Friendo: He's a good person, he's only staying with you because he's scared if he leaves you, you'll do something stupid like try to kill yourself, again. He's sick of all this pointless drama, all the emotional baggage. He's had enough.

That was an unnecessary jab at you, your suicidal thoughts didnt need to be brought into this, let alone the fact that you did actually try to kill yourself two years ago. You and Chandler were just friends then, but very close friends nonetheless, and you both had strong feelings for each other. You, of course, doubted he ever liked you back, and let the idea that he was only staying with you because he felt sorry for you, eat you up inside. Before your suicide attempt, you had been self harming for about a year, and only Chandler knew. When you said goodbye to him over the phone, he could tell something was wrong, he always could, he could read you like a book from the beginning. He came to your house after that, to find your parents werent home, and you were sat in the bath, crying hysterically, slashing at your wrists and thighs. He got there just in time, he took all of your blades, and called an ambulance. After that, he made you promise that if you ever felt the urge to self harm again, you have to call him, no matter where he is or what he's doing. Then, he expressed his terrifying fear of losing you, and that he wouldnt let you carry on feeling unloved, so he made a promise to you. He promised to love you, as he apparently had done for years.

You: You're right.

You let the thoughts swallow you up.
You are a failure.
You are a mess.
You can never do anything right.
You've let Chandler down.
You are nothing but a burden to him.
He'd be better off without you, everyone would.

Friendo: I am?

You can barely read the messages, you're too consumed by your own thoughts, the metaphorical fog of depression returns to you in a flurry, and it feels like reuniting with an old friend.

You: He deserves so much more than me. Im nothing but a burden to him. You're right.

You sit up, and make your way to the bathroom in your shared hotel room with Chandler. The urges are impossible to fight. You cant win this time, you dont want to, so why even try?

Friendo: ...Im glad you've seen sense.

Why does he seem unsure? You dont care. You've got other things on your mind. You start scavenging the bathroom, trying to find anything sharp. You wont have any blades, Chandler made sure of that, but surely you'll find something. An earring? Would that work? You drag it across your hand, and feel that old stinging come back to you. Your eyes close, as you wait for the relief to hit you. But it doesnt. You open your eyes, and frown. It's been a while since you've done this, should you make yourself bleed? Maybe that'll work. You strip free of your clothes, and turn on the shower, before stepping into it, leaving your phone on the windowsill as you clutch onto the earring in your hand, awaiting the sweet relief.

As you drag the sharp earring across the top of your thigh, you see blood trickling dow your leg, before being washed away but the water of the shower. But you dont feel the relief. You keep going, until the entirety of the top of your left thigh is covered in little cuts, and small fountains of blood. Still no relief. You decide that's good enough, you've been punished, you deserved that, you made yourself bleed, so you dont need any more. Your urges have been satisfied. You turn off the shower, and step out of it, carefully wrapping a towel around your body and delicately dabbing at your fresh wounds. It is then, your brain becomes aware again. You are no longer consumed by your urges, and now you can hear normally again. Your ears arent filled with the sound of your own heartbeat. You can hear. Your phone dings obnoxiously, almost in a steady rhythm. You raise an eyebrow, and pick it up.

(15) Missed calls from Chan💕

Chan💕: Baby, please, answer me!

Chan💕: What's wrong?

Chan💕: Talk to me, please!

Chan💕: Tell me you're ok

Chan💕: I love you so much, please answer me

Chan💕: Baby

Chan💕: Baby

Chan💕: Baby

Chan💕: Are you there?

Chan💕: Im on my way back to the hotel now, please tell me you didnt do anything

Chan💕: Im almost there

And then, you hear your hotel room door unlock. You drop your phone, and fall to your knees, burying yourself in your towel as you cry hysterically into your knees. You've let him down again.