summer of '17 • jenzie

10 ↝ telling & feeling

Mackenzie Ziegler
20 June 2017

•••

As I lie in bed the only emotion that describes what I'm feeling is confusion. Confused on whether Johnny likes me, and confused on whether or not I like Hayden. I hope that Johnny will never find out that I overheard his conversation with Nadia today, which is why what I'm about to do will be very risky.

"Lauren? Maddie?" I whisper, staring up at the roof and trying to calm my heartbeat in my ears.

"Yes?" Lauren says, at the same time as Maddie says "Yeah?"

"I– I need to tell you something. It's... not very nice." I manage to get out, turning over to face Lauren and squinting at the lamp she turns on.

"Go on." Maddie urges, and I know it's not out of nosiness but out of genuine curiosity. Lauren looks at me strangely. I take a breath.

"Today, after Hayden left I heard Johnny and Nadia arguing." I start, thinking of the best possible way to explain it. "I heard them coming, and I didn't know what to do so I ran into the spare bedroom. All Nadia's stuff was in there, and I freaked. I hid in the wardrobe."

Maddie nods her head, and Lauren tells me to keep going. I roll on my back again and look at the roof; it's easier to explain when I don't have to look at their expectant faces all the time.

"They came in, yelling, and Nadia was a mess. She said something about how Johnny used her, and screwed her over. She screamed at him, and the whole time she talked she wouldn't let him say a word... I mean for ages, all she was was pissy but then she got all sad. She was like: I know why you bought me here. Because of her. You want to make her jealous."

I glance at them shiftily. Lauren looks mortified. Shaky, I go on.

"Then he asked her how he was supposed to tell me he loved me when I've already moved on." My bottom lip trembles a little. "But that's crazy. He can't like... me?"

Looking to them for guidance, I see them share a knowing look. Oh my god– I know that look.

"He does doesn't he." I state. They share that look again.

"We can't–" Maddie starts, "But we should." Lauren finishes.

"You can't what? Guys!" I wail, completely forgetting about being quiet and only wanting to know what they're talking about.

"Okay... but you can't tell!" Lauren reprimands me, and I nod straight away. Anything. I will do anything to know.

"It's not that bad is it?" I now ask, backtracking a little.

"No it's not. It's just that Johnny's liked you in secret for years. He knows that you don't like him back so he's been bottling it away..." Lauren trails off, thinking. I only manage to lie there, shocked out of my mind with my heartbeat increasing by the second. Does he really like me? Like that?

"I think he's just been acting reckless lately; getting drunk, rebelling, thing like that. He asked me, seriously, at the end of last summer if you liked him, but I told him no, because you don't. He's trying to forget about you Kenz." Maddie explains gently, and I look up. My eyes are threatening to tear up at this; I had no idea Johnny had it so hard. Memories flash through my mind; Johnny, hugging me on the first night we came, Johnny, getting jealous because I met another guy, Johnny, throwing a sausage at me, Johnny, checking me out at the pool... It's endless. It's like a one way dead end street– there's no turning back now.

Staring up at them, I do the 'thing' that Hayden noticed me doing with Lauren, where I tell them what's happening with my eyes. I bite my lip, and Maddie seems confused. Lauren seems to have got it, and she gasps.

"Johnny and you. Oh my god. You like him!" She exclaims loudly, and Maddie's eyes pop out of her head before we both tell her to be quiet.

They look at me expectantly again.

"I– I do. I like Johnny." I whisper.

•••

[731 words]

I think I can speak for everyone when I say FINALLY! Keep reading to find out what happens next, and please vote/comment too xo

*edited