The 'Feelings' Journal

20. What Is Going On?

JESS POV

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?! My thoughts shouted at me. I was trying to get to Sam yet Lou got there first for some reason and told me that she didn't want to talk? What do they all know that I don't? Especially Lou. Sam doesn't even like Lou! She despises him and they are always fighting. Are they getting together too? Oh hell no! She better not be! I fucking swear if she is I'm going to hurt someone. I thought she was mine. She said she was mine well... at least I hope that's what she meant. I need to hit something. Now. I punched the nearest wall. "Fuck!" I yelled. Shaking my head I sat on my floor with my head in my hands. Why is she getting to me so much? This isn't normal. I groaned letting out some of my frustrations

SAM POV

I sighed and walked up to my bathroom. I looked in the mirror and gagged. I looked hideous. I shudder and sat on toilet seat. I slid out of my pants until I was just in my underwear and shirt. Rubbing my legs I looked down at the faded scars. "What is wrong with me?" I asked as I grabbed from under the sink. "Two small cuts that's all I need. Nothing more, nothing less." I stated and I started to cut away at my upper thigh. I winced a little but it was mostly because of the slight sting.

*2 hours later*

I sat in my bed writing away. I had cleaned myself up and stopped all the bleeding, so I was good to go. So there I sat on my bed telling the journal everything... everything. With censoring of course. I can't have her reporting me or anything like that. That would just create unneeded problems that no one wants. Although I am an unneeded problem and I'm still here. Things are confusing.

ZACK POV

As I pulled up to Sam's house I turned down the radio. We haven't talked since she left school that afternoon. I hope I didn't annoy her or anything. I'm just so glad that she is finally mine after waiting so long. Getting out the car I called Sam. She picked up immediately.

Z: Hey baby girl come downstairs I'm outside

M: Mmm okay *hangs up*

She opened the door in what seemed like nothing but my hoodie. I grinned and pulled her close "Is that mine?". She giggled slightly "Mhm... you gave it to me a little while back and I just never gave it back". Sam had such a quiet voice right now. I kissed her nose and walked in. She followed closely behind me. I clicked my tongue as I went to her room. I haven't been here in a long time.  Everything was the same. Her room was messy as usual, bed unmade, and perfumes lotions and earrings cluttered her dresser. Yep, all the same.

I smiled as she flopped on her bed. I can now see the shorts she was wearing beneath the hoodie. "Aww I was hoping you weren't wearing anything underneath." I said with a wink. " You are such a horn dog." She laughed.  I grinned and chuckled sitting on the bed next to her. "So what brings you here babe?" she asked in a soft sweet voice as sat up on her feet. "Well I could just say that I needed help on some work but, I'll just be honest and say that I missed you." I smiled and pulled her into my lap resting my hand on her upper thigh. Sam tensed up a bit but, then relaxed. "Why so tense? It's just me Sam..." I asked as I kissed her cheek. "Nothing. It's nothing." She said shaking her head.

I can't help but feel like there is something wrong about her. Maybe she was still a little shooken up about earlier today? Maybe she just didn't like my hand up so high on her thigh? Maybe she thinks that I'm going to force her to do something she doesn't want to do? OH GOD WHAT IF?! I won't be able to live with myself if she thinks that I would ever try to force her into doing anything she didn't want to do. I WOULDN'T DARE. So I moved my hands and grabbed hers instead. They were ice cold. Okay well colder than normal for her. "Are you cold?" I asked rubbing her hands in mine. She gave me a small giggle and shook her head no. "Well your hands are awful cold baby.... you sure?" I asked looking up at her face. "Positive." she half mouthed half whispered. I frowned "Are you okay?". Something is wrong. I just know it! She is never this.. this... mute around me. "Yea, why wouldn't I be?" she piped. "You just seem a little off." I replied with a shrug. Maybe nothing was wrong and I'm just being stupid. Yea maybe that's it, I thought to myself as I put my hand back on her thigh not noticing how high up it was and rubbed her soft... smooth... welted skin. Welted? What? I looked down just as she quickly grabbed my hand and moved it. 

What? What? My breath caught in my throat as I looked up at her face. She had her bottom lip in her teeth and eyes wide. "Sam..." I croaked, "What's this?".