Dear Fay

Without You

Dear Fay,

You once said to me best friends are the heart of the world. I once believed you would never do anything to hurt me. But is that true anymore? I don't even think that we'll makeup by the time August comes around. I keep thinking of texting you about my day or something that happened. Then I think, she probably doesn't even care. She probably wouldn't care if I cannonballed to my death off of the Golden Gate Bridge. My wrist starts burning, a voice whispering to me; do it, she won't care. The scares may be there but just do it. She's not here to stop you. Do it. Do it. How I want to but I think of Sarah, of Brie, of Naomi, of Helly, or of Marie who I've made up with recently. I can't do that to them. Then the voice tells me, they won't notice a small cut. I'd half expected you to not wish me a happy birthday at all. When you did I thought the tone was teasing but no I overthink it. And I think, maybe you actually meant it maybe I am exactly that. Maybe I'm the same as Shawn. And then my heart throbs in pain as I've hurt you and I wish I would stop, sometimes I want to kill myself to protect your from myself. But in reality what would that solve? Wouldn't that hurt you more. Do you still care? Will you even read this? I don't know but I can hope. I just want us to back. I don't understand where this all came from. If you had bottled it in and just let it explode as we both tend to do? If this is bottled towards someone else? Is it meant for me? I don't know. But I know one thing. Without you, I'm lost. I didn't post my face at first because I wanted to surprise you with my hair cut. But in reality, I don't even know when we will talk again. I get o scared and when that happens I tell people what happened because just seeing your contact on my phone causes my throat to begin to close and my eyes to well up. And I don't know what to do anymore. For I am entirely lost in the world without you.

Love Always,

Rose