La Da Dee ✔

d e n i e d

when I was nine years old, I played the lead role in the school play.

now, that's used against me.

everyone thinks I'm confident, as much as I deny it. it just won't sink in. when you're nine, you do crazy, stupid things; still so unaware of the world. yeah, it was quite fearless of me.

was.

but I've grown; with countless struggles, innocence ruined and confidence deteriorated. why can't my own family even see this? my classmates no better, throwing me around on errands and teachers overwhelming me with spotlight tasks and speeches. do they not see it? the shyness I thought I wore on my sleeve? how my face reddens when I'm spoken to, or the shaking of my hands and the quivering of my knees when I do the talking? how I refuse to go out; go to parties or volunteer to do absolutely anything? how I stay rigid in my school desk and captive in my bedsheets? this was never laziness. never. how I hesitate to mention the things I love in fear of harsh reactions, or how I trip over the words of, "I'm doing good, how are you?" I thought my anxiety was out, but, I guess not. I guess I was wrong.

blinded by the one risk I took, my fears I carry inside me like blood through my veins remain unbeknownst to everyone around me. I live in its shadow, and I assume that I will continue to do so until I do something bizarre again. which, will only set the expectations of my confidence even higher, and my uncertainty and anxiousness will expand. because I know personally, I can't. and I know that I don't want to, either.

so, please.
don't ask.
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a pointless and shitty rant-induced poem😂 I'm sorry