Flowers for Me

Memories

I don't know why I feel like this.

I mean, let's look at last night for example. I had a dream that was a combination of so many things. It was a combination between my past crushes, my favorite tv show, a girl I hated from summer camp, and the worst part of my life.

And the thing is, it put ideas in my head. It reminded me that my favorite tv show was a bit crazy but it's true (it's House MD if you're curious). Maybe crazy does work sometimes.

Two of my ex crushes were sitting behind me talking. But they were talking to the girl I hated from summer camp years ago. I later ran into my two crushes when I was walking down the street. And I actually had a conversation with the guy who I told "I like you." We were smiling. And I know that's something that would never happen again. Not now or ever. And it's painful to think of how it can only happen in a dream. How screwed up things are. How things won't ever be the same or even get close to it.

And then there's my past life. How I think about the boy who would do anything to save me. Who saved me more times than I can count. How now I can't even get a "hey" out of. How we've gone from best friends to distant strangers. Now I think of how I we're all on borrowed time, and if I thank him for saving me in so many ways, would he respond to that? Would he try to save me again or will he let me go?

Sure. There are other people. And even though they tried. He was really the only one who kept me here. Who keeps me here even though we haven't spoken since we broke up nearly two years ago. And I see him with his girlfriend and I think "God I'm happy for you. I really am. But if I told you, would you believe me?"

And this is the point where I realize that I hoard. I hoard memories as most of us do. This is why I can't delete the number of the boy who saved me so many times. This is why I can't delete the texts from the guy I told I like him. Because I don't want to forget about what happened.

Maybe it's because it's a part of who I am. Maybe it's because I'm sentimental. Or maybe even because I hope that one day I'll be able to talk to them again.

Maybe I'll talk to them today or tomorrow. Maybe in a week. Or maybe when I'm on the brink of death.

But I hoard the memories of the most important moments and people of my life.

And I'm not afraid to show that I hoard memories.

Don't you?