Lipstick Lullaby

Chapter Nineteen

HAZEL
I had so much pride in me to let him see me at my weakest. I remembered my Dad telling me that people don't make you a victim. You volunteer. I would never allow myself to be a victim here. I would never allow anyone to see how powerless I felt in the inside over this situation.

I stiffened when I saw Migs walking towards my table. He stopped and pulled out the chair right across from mine. He looked weary and I could see, at close range, that he had his share of sleepless nights. I, myself, hadn't slept well since he'd confessed that he had another woman pregnant.

Napagdesisyunan namin na magkita ngayon. We needed to talk this out like the mature adults we were. We had already made plans and we couldn't just suddenly ignore it because of some inconveniences that had happened in our lives.

I could tell that things weren't the same anymore and I never expected to be. We both struggled to speak a word. We both didn't know what to say or how to say things. It was like being strangers all over again.

I clasped my hands together and inhaled a deep breath. Every muscle in my body were tensed and strained. The raw heaviness in my chest pressed on me but I could not let him see how I was struggling in the inside. I could not let anyone through my defenses.

"Migs." I called his attention as his eyes were fixed on the table instead of me. He lifted his gaze up, his eyes void of life. I swallowed, putting moisture to my throat. "Hindi natin maaayos ito kung uupo lang tayo dito at magtititigan."

"I fucked up for the second time, Hazel. I had sex with Saskia again." He said in a stern voice.

I closed my eyes and inhaled, letting air fill in my lungs. I felt like my insides were breaking into pieces. It was so painful. I wished there was some way I could stop feeling. Even just for a second.

"How was she, Miguel? Was she good? Was she better than me? Did you enjoy her? Ano ang pagkakaiba namin?" My voice cracked a little as I look at him straight in the eye.

"I'm going to ask you the same thing. The guy you slept with, was he good?" His jaw clenched.

"Oh he was, Migs. He was really good. He ate me out real good-"

Migs' hands balled into fists and he slammed them to the table. The noise it made startled me. Gulat na napatingin ako sa kanya. "Stop what you're doing, Hazel. Stop it."

"You started it." I folded my arms over to my chest, keeping a stoic face.

Migs frustratedly raked his fingers through his blonde hair. "What is happening to us?"

"You tell me." I looked at him with disdain. "Why did you cheat on me, Migs? Why did you get another woman pregnant? Wasn't I enough for you? Ano bang ginagawa niya sa kama na hindi ko kayang gawin? Bakit kailangan mong maghanap ng iba?"

He bowed his head, guiltily. There was nothing but silence. He couldn't even give a goddamn answer. I swallowed back my tears, feeling my chest tightening. It was as if my heart was being squeezed tightly and I couldn't quite breathe. The hurt in my chest was physically painful. I wanted to lash out at him and hurt him. Gusto kong maramdaman niya kahit konti man lang ang nararamdaman kong sakit ngayon.

He didn't just broke my heart. He broke every dream we had together. He broke our future plans. He broke me. He made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I wasn't enough...

"Let's call the wedding off." I made the decision right then.

"Hazel..." His head snapped up and all of a sudden, his eyes began to water. "Hazel, don't do this to me. Please, anything but this."

"Nagkakasakitan na lang tayo." I took in a deep breath, trying to keep the tears at bay. "Let's end this now. Habang may natitira pa tayong respeto para sa isa't-isa."