Lipstick Lullaby

Chapter Eighteen

MIGS

Saskia was cuddled against my side, her face buried in my chest, and her arm wrapped around my waist. She was so beautiful to look at when she's sleeping. She looked angelic with dark lashes resting against her olive cheek. My eyes unintentionally lowered. One of her perky breasts were exposed while the other was covered with white blanket. She was naked and so was I. Memories of last night came rushing back. 

"Migs..." Her eyes fluttered open. 

My body stiffened and I tried to move away from her. I felt awkward. She sat up like a jack-in-the-box, clutching the blanket to her chest like it was her lifeline. 

"Y-yung nangyari kagabi... um..." She stuttered. 

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, Saskia." I sighed heavily as I massaged my temples. "Hindi dapat ako nagpunta dito. I shouldn't have done that to you."

Even though I was drunk I could still recall everything we did last night. I drowned myself with alcohol and I remember thinking I didn't want to go home to a sad, lonely condo unit but I also didn't want to go to my parents' because I didn't want them to see me so intoxicated that I could barely stand. Saskia's house was the only place where I could take my mask off and release myself from all the pretense. Sa mga oras na iyon siya lang ang alam kong pwede kong puntahan at harapin ng ganon ako. She was the only one who knew the vulnerable side of me, the side I kept hidden from the world. 

A sad smile broke across her face. "Huwag mo nang isipin 'yon. Lasing ka lang kagabi at ako naman si gaga nagpadala. Ako naman talaga ang may kasalanan kasi ako ang nasa tamang pag-iisip. Dapat pinigilan kita pero-"

"No, don't blame yourself please. We both wanted it or at least I did. I mean, sana hindi ka napilitan lang. I feel like I used you." I lowered my gaze, feeling more guilty now. 

"Ginusto ko rin naman yun." She bit her bottom lip and looked at me worried. "Pero paano si Hazel? Hindi na tama itong ginagawa natin..."

I felt my heart dropping to my stomach when I heard her name. The scene from yesterday began to play in my mind again. My face haedened, my jaw clenched, and my hands curled into fists. It still hurt like hell. I knew I cheated first but it still hurt like hell. If I could, I would go back to when I went to the hotel and beat the hell out of the man she fucked. I was so overwhelmed that all I wanted to do at that time was to get away. I knew what she was trying to do, she wanted to get back at me. Gusto niyang iparamdam sa akin ang naramdaman niya. And damn, she succeeded. I could feel the pain resonating inside me. 

"I already told her about you and the baby."

Saskia's eyes widened. "A-ano'ng sabi niya?"

I shrugged.

Her face shifted into a concerned expression. "Kaya pala naglasing ka kagabi. Kung gusto mo kakausapin ko siya. Ipaliliwanag ko ang lahat sa kanya at-"

"Ako na ang bahala dun." I swallowed, trying hard not to let my emotions show. 

"Migs, ano bang pwede kong gawin? Kasalanan ko 'to eh. Ang landi ko kasi. Hindi ko naman sinasadya makasira ng relasyon. Hindi na dapat ako pumayag..." She looked like she was about to cry.

"Saskia, hindi lang ikaw ang may kasalanan dito. If anything, it was mostly my fault. I knew I was getting married and I still touched you." 

"May pwede ba akong magawa para magkaayos kayo?" Her voice shook as she tried her best to keep herself from crying.

I shook my head and nipped her chin between two fingers. "Just don't think about it. Ayaw kong mag-isip ka at ma-stress. It wouldn't be good for the baby. I was the one who fucked up, not you, okay? Ako ang sumunod sa'yo noong bachelor party at ako ang pumunta sa'yo kagabi. Besides, there really isn't any point kung magsisisihan tayo. We're two consenting adults, the baby is already there, and Hazel already knows."