infinity kiss

insecurity

I'm not okay in my own skin sometimes and maybe that's normal for someone like me.

but I remember the days when I didn't give a damn whether my teeth were straight, or my legs were twigs, or my face was clear, or my body was flat...

I remember when I could go out to the world and scream out those lame jokes, be a goofball, be creative, talk to people even sometimes.

because in truth... "no one actually gives a crap." that's what people say. should it be something to believe to feel better? maybe, but it's hard to think that way when the statement is bent and twisted by the words of the judgmental.

I find it much harder now to open up and speak. I find my voice getting lost in the sea again. I find my voice getting blurred by the spats of insults.

I remember that bliss of when I had confidence and when I could stand up on my own two feet and shout to them, "I don't care!" when I could run around and catch the butterflies full of positivity and compliments and kindness.

but ever since the few people with knives in my life, I seem to be catching moths full of filthy, unwanted, retorts and small words describing the worst in me.

maybe some wasn't meant, but what they don't know is how sensitive someone like me can be. how much of a baby... a stick...

how funny it is to compare me to a dead stick that's fallen off a tree of life.
a weak, slim, rigid stick. a flimsy, long, pokey stick.

how funny is it to be such a coward.

how funny is it I'll complain and write but I am too weak, my mind will say, to step up. I can barely find the tranquility I use to.

I've been stuck in this loop hole ever since change was on its way, bringing cages full of butterflies and moths. it's inevitable yet you can see those tiny sparks on its way, you just think nothing of it.

so will someone like me finally wake up and go help others because they need it? I hope. although, I should come first, there's cases where I don't, because I have yet to find a cure for insecurity.

I'm self-conscious of my actions, that's for sure. how many times will it go before I say something that hurts someone else? how hypocritical.

how amusing it is to complain so much about something and talk about how lucky someone else is yet they aren't doing a damn thing to make it change, just sat in self-pity. wallowing around in that puddle of grey and letting the moths eat you alive.

don't compare your life to someone else's and wish for things to come, because time is neither friend nor foe. it's merely something you manage on your own terms and priorities.

so me are we ready to quit being insecure? maybe not just yet. but guess what... you are beautiful because there's no one else who has what you have in that combination.

and just you wait, you'll realize those people you love... they love you for you and that's something to let those teeth out about. those butterflies will tickle you until that smile is bright, so let it.

let the help shine in. don't always be so caught up in love, don't always be so caught up in life. everyone deserves that relaxation. because you have so much time, just because you're heading into a huge new experience doesn't mean everything's gonna change, so hold on to those things.

hold on to what makes you who you are and be proud of it. even if that thing is something you hate, keep it. maybe someday it's the thing that saves you.

so let this phase roll out, if it is, anxiety has its time a lot, we've learned, but you can train yourself and I believe in you.

find hope. let this cheesy message make you roll your eyes.

i love you.

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"I keep dragging around what's bringing me down, if I just let go I'd be set free."