infinity kiss

a message that will never be clear

I think about life and it scares me. And I can never talk to anyone about it because it's all the same. "Believe in what you believe in." "Something about oblivion." "Live in the now."

But that's the thing, I'm stubborn... I wanna know what happens without it actually happening... I'm scared of it... because it is all I have. "Live to the fullest then!" You say, but even then, we all are limited by so much.

I want to experience everything but won't have the time. I can't help but worry all the time. And have panic attack when I see my life being older. Things I know I'll have to do, things I know I'll have to work for. Driving, a job, a house, traveling, a family... trying to find my own freedom.

I think because of who I am, I overthink... and I feel it'll affect my family. What if I don't do as much as I wanted to because I'm scared? It's hard to talk about it too because it's foreign and no one truly does want to discuss it. It's almost like it's forbidden. It's almost like a feeling of being watched when you talk about it.

And we go by religious values to try and explain or give us hope... but... if we come from a higher being, I feel there would be no such thing as sinning. We all were born to do what we were suppose to and think the way we do. We all conspire... it's hard to find what you truly believe when you don't want to think about it... or it hurts your heart or makes you want to cry because you'll lose all that you have even though you try so hard to cherish it... each and every day... but being so young makes it worse... you grow. And my body can't handle that. My mind can't comprehend that. It's almost like the information is so huge and vast in my mind... so complex than what others think that whatever I write will never truly get out the message of what I feel and think about the subject.... and so I end it here because I have no clue of what to do and because I don't want to feel this feeling anymore.

However... this was not written to be published, but my thoughts cloud my mind with unanswered questions... I don't want a philosophical life story of how you live every moment to it's fullest. I've heard it all before. I don't want what is so basically said. I don't know what I want... maybe just some form of not being alone with these thoughts.