RAPED

34.Captured thoughts

If that one moment could hurt you so much. Then why are you still thinking about it?

I had asked myself that same question for the last couple months. And even now , there was no clue for still replaying it all over again.

Why can't feelings just leave like people do?

Why can't people just understand there's a limit for everything?

Why does a limit always seem to be so close when you want it to be far away from you?

Far away..

That cruelity happened a long time ago. But I could still feel it breathing all over my skin.

"Here"

I looked up as Jorge walked towards me. He was wearing black, his hair covered in a bordeaux red beanie as he held a blanket in his hands.

Just about thirty minutes ago he had picked me up at the mall.

I don't know how long I had been crying inside his arms before we got here, at his place.

The thing that left me amazed was why he didn't even ask what was going on. Like somehow he already knew I couldn't get it over my throat.

And that was true.

I really couldn't.

"Thanks" I whispered as I pulled the blanket he had giving to me over my body.

He had found some space to sit beside me on his matress. I had been here just once before, but I never took enough time to obversate this room.

There were pictures on his desk. A young woman, holding three little boys. I asumed that would be his mother by seeing the features of her face.

Beautiful.

His room was messy, clothes all over the ground. But it didn't bother.

This space was him.

"You skipped school for me?" I spoke up as I checked the time on the clock which was standing beside his bed.

"It's no big deal"

"It is"

"No, beside that. You're skipping as well"

"Jorge, you don't even have a reason"

"Actually I do" he spoke back, breathing out with frustration. "You"

right..

"Anyway, I know I shouldn't be asking. But are you okay?"

I didn't really know if I should say yes or no. There was no inbetween either.

"Could you just take me somewhere else?" I asked, feeling a slight tense hovering between us.

"Never mind" I muttered, realizing. this would have been the third time he would drive me somewhere this day.

"Sure, but ehm..Where would you like to go?"

Oh.

"Just somewhere else"

"Alright then" He sighed a little as he stood up. "But we go by car since I don't want you to get colder than you already are"

"That's fine" I nodded.

Keep still.

Don't move.

For fucks sake stop moving.

You slut.

"Martina you're okay?"

I snapped out of my thoughts, back to Jorge. Realizing we were driving around with his fathers car. I was out of breath, inhaling deeply as I tried to keep it away from me.

"Martina"

His hand slid up to my shoulder as he stared back at me with concern in his eyes. The expression on his face clearly showed me what he was feeling.

I pursed my lips into a thin line, trying to smile.
 
But there I relived that pain, and my trial failed terribly wrong. Turning into tears.

••
"Martina, what the fuck do you think you're doing?"

"Leaving, what else do you think I'm doing?"

"No you're acting crazy about this. It's no big deal"

"No big deal?"

"No"

"Oh screw you  and your opinions Mason. I don't fucking need them"

••

The car had stopped driving. He had parked it beside the road as he probably had noticed me being panicked.

I was shaking,

••

"Oh so now we're swearing to eachother? Martina it was just a damn question"

"Just a question? Oh ofcource it was Mason."

"Mart..You can't just leave okay? I promised your father and your mother to walk you home"

"I can perfectly walk myself back home , so no thanks"

"Come on, don't act like this"

"Tomorrow Mason, not now" I insisted as I opened the door.

"Martin-"

"I said tomorrow"

"You know..I really don't get you"

"Oh really? Perhaps you should think about what you just did and try to understand why I'm acting this way. Sounds as an idea right?"

"What the h-"

"Oh and you don't even have to come over to me with an apology if you don't leave this fucking attitude of yours behind."

"Attitude?"

"Oh just leave it"
••

I had burried myself inside his arms, feeling so small. Too small for this world.

The truth is, I had never given myself the chance to think about all of this with someone else's company.

Yet he was here. While we sat in the car, hearing rain fall on the roof.

like the universe was crying with me. Perhaps it was, it felt that way.

We shared a moment of silence, non of us had anything to say.

I looked at the cars, passing us by like they had a purpose to complete. I wasn't sure about mine, but I knew this boy was inclueded.

Just by listening to his breathing, I calmed down.

"Jorge"

"Yeah?"

"There is something"  I exhaled as my nerves took controll over my voice. "Something I should..I'm sorry I-"

"Héy" he stroke his hand up and down, caressing the skin of my upper arm. "Take your time, there's nothing to be worried about"

"Oh" I sighed out. If he just knew, only if he just knew.

"If there is something on your mind that makes you feel this misserable, then there's nothing wrong about sharing them with me. Truelly"

Thoughts.

Only god knew how many times I prayed those were only thoughts.