Online relationship

Chapter 23

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                    Talking to Dante was the highlight of my morning. Even though it was 3 minute and 47 second conversation. Walking to class smiling I was stopped by Duncan. 

"Hey." He huffed out

"Hey Duncan" I replied happily 

"Can I ask you something?" He asked, scratching the back of his neck. 

"Yeah. Go for it." 

"How do you know when you're in love?" Well shit. That caught me by surprise. 

"Can we talk about this after school when we have more time?" I asked

"Yeah"

By the time I was at  Rodriquez's Cafe to meet up with him, I had an idea of what I'm  going to tell him.

"Hey Ressie. Over here." Duncan waved me over to our usual table. Don't judge, this place is my happy place. Plus it has freaking amazing coffee. I wanted to get straight to the point. 

"Who's the girl? Why are you asking about love all of a sudden?" There was nothing wrong with him asking, it's just random, and since when does he settle down? That sounded judgmental.  Good thing it was in my head.

"You're in love with Dante right?"

"Yes." i said without hesitating.

"How do you know? I mean, how do you know that you love him? What do you love about him?" He questioned 

"I think I fell for him, No I know I fell for him before we met.  Usually talking to a guy for me is just that- talking. It doesn't go anywhere. They only want to meet up for sex or want nudes. Nothing real. Nothing good enough. With Dante, talking to him was so much more than that. The conversation never died, he didn't pressure me into anything, he knows when to joke and then the time to be serious. Talking to him was so easy.  When I give him sassy, he doesn't hesitate to give it right back. He doesn't take my bullshit and I certainly don't take his. We have our arguments but we both work to fix it. We both work so that the other person feels loved and is happy. Relationships are not easy but when you have the right person, it's something to work hard at." 

"What do you love about him?" He asked me lowly

" I love that he's strong. He's a hard worker, he doesn't stop until he thinks it's good enough. He doesn't care what other people think, which can be funny sometimes. He loves to try new things. There's never a dull moment with him. We are always talking about something. It's so easy to trust him. He tells me dark things about his past and doesn't judge me when I tell him about my past. We don't compare notes about who's past is worst, we just talk. I love how he snores in his sleep. I love how he talks about everything he loves. I love how creative he is, how intelligent he is. He's a smart ass too which can get annoying but is fun. I love how much he cares about me. I love when he laughs, it makes my heart swell. He  doesn't  pressure me into anything sexual. I don't want to him to feel like he has to hold back from loving me just because he's been hurt in the past. I don't want to feel on edge about loving him because what has happened in the past. The crazy thing is... I was so scared to love him at first. I was terrified of what would happen if and when I opened my heart up to him. Yes we argue but I wouldn't trade anything for it. Loving him, is honestly the best thing that I could ever wish for. " I finished

" Damn..."  

A little after meeting with Ducan, I went to the beach. It was a nice day, not too cold out. Since it was the start of November, I wore a cropped sweater with leggings and knee high boots. I loved going to the beach. There's a part of the beach that Orianna and I found our freshman year. There's trees all around it, but past the branches and sticks, there's an opening to the beach. It's nice hiding spot when I wanna get away from life. 

So here I am sitting in the sand. The breeze was hitting just right so that my hair blew behind me. I wasn't entirely sure how to feel after talking to Duncan about Dante. It was like opening my eyes to actually seeing how much I care and truly love him. It was scary. I know he loves me too. I just don't want him to ever have to worry about me hurting him or leaving him. I had my back pack with me so I grabbed a note book and started writing. 

I can never begin to imagine the stuff that Dante goes through while being deployed. I don't want to know. In a way I guess, I'm mad at him for risking his life on a daily basis but it's his choice and I respect that. I feel weak for letting him in so easily. Letting my guard down before I even met him. I feel ashamed for telling him about my family. I know he loves me but what if he changes his mind and realizes i'm not worth it? What if he realizes he deserves so much more than I can give him.  I can't say I haven't opened my heart up before to people, I have and it sucked when they betrayed me. It taught me alot. How to put walls up. How to look more closely at people. How to know when they're lying. All of that changed when I talked to him. Little Fucker. The hardest part about this was realizing that I don't feel complete without him. That makes me fucking weak. He shouldn't have that much power over my feelings. He shouldn't. I shouldn't be thinking about him day and night, worrying if he's okay. Worrying that he doesn't lose his feelings for me and find someone way better than me. FUCK ME IN THE ASS WITH A BENDY STRAW. I hate feelings. I know in a way or maybe i'm hoping that in a way this will make stronger. Loving someone takes courage. Especially when you don't love yourself as much as you should. GOD DAMN I'M AN AMAZING FUCKING HUMAN BEING. HA. I don't hate myself. I surely don't think I know myself fully though. I know I can take good care of myself. I can keep up on my school work. Be responsible at parties. I feel like I can NOT not be responsible. This town is small enough that everyone knows that I am my own parent. I buy food that I need, I buy clothes for myself, I pay my own bills. I do everything for ME. I don't want to screw up and then have people "She's messed up because her parents abandoned her." It wouldn't be the first time I heard that.  You know what? FUCK YOU. I'm doing great on my own and I don't need to impress anyone. I only need to impress myself and i'm doing a decent job at that. :)

When I looked at how much I wrote and the things I wrote, I felt I didn't even know were there disappear. 

You are NOT WEAK FOR LOVING.

 Throwing my notebook in my bag, I got up and headed to my car. I didn't live far from the beach so I was home in a record time. When I got home, I felt that something off.  

Opening the door,  What I found inside, I thought I was hit by bus.