Finally I started my tour. It distracted me for a bit. When I am on stage, I can forget about all the pain inside my chest. I can sing heart breaking songs and let everything out. But as soon as I leave the stage, I’m a crying mess. I tried so hard but it was worthless, I just needed him by my side, so I stop trying. I just live from day to day without feelings. I came back to my old habits: I hide my feelings.
I walk out of the stage with a huge smile. The concert went good, everything was awesome and I was really proud. When I am in the middle of the hallway to my dressing room Max runs closer to me.
“Wilmer is here” Max grabs my hand and pulls me to the random dressing room. I gasp as I hear that name. Wilmer. “He’s in the backstage”
It is more than 2 weeks when I haven’t talk with him. Of course, he called me and texted me, but I didn’t pick up. I try to forget and move on although it looks almost impossible. I try to think about the baby, how Wilmer holds him or her, how he teaches his kid to ride a bike or play football. It helps me at least a bit.
I shake my head and Max nods his head, understanding that I don’t want to see him. He pulls out the phone from his pocket and calls someone. My heart start beating faster, he is here. I can simply run out of the room and wrap my hands around him. We can be together again but there’s the baby and the baby needs him more than me. I’m a big girl, I can live without him.
Max turns to me and starts explaining how I should go with him straight to the bus. I don’t listen to him, I just stand there, thinking about Wilmer. At least I could see him. But it will hurt both of us even more. I push that idea away and look at Max, who is talking, but I have no idea about what.
“Do you understand?” He asks and I nod my head. “Okay, let’s walk you to the bus.”
We walk out of that dressing room and go straight to the bus. I don’t have time to change my clothes, but I don’t mind. I just don’t want to see Wilmer.
“DEMI” I hear his voice, I can hear how he starts running, but security catches him. “DEMETRIA” He shouts again but I don’t look back because I know if I will do it, I will run to his embrace and it will end worse than we expected.
I can’t help but let a few tears leave my eyes but I quickly wipe them away. I hear his shouts, which breaks my head but it doesn’t stop me.
We reach the bus quickly and finally I’m really safe.
“I will bring your things later, stay here and don’t come out.” Max explains me and this time I listen to him. I nod my head and sit on the couch in the bus. It’s still empty, and somehow I feel so alone. If Wilmer would me my boyfriend, he would probably be with me right now, and I wouldn’t need to run away from him.
I lay on the couch and close my eyes, trying to relax. Suddenly someone walks into the bus but I don’t bother to open my eyes because it is probably Max.
“Shh” Someone puts his hand on my mouth and I can’t scream. The fear rules my body, I start shaking unstoppable. I open my eyes and I see Wilmer’s face. My heart starts calming down as I close my eyes. It’s Wilmer, I don’t need to panic. A few minutes later he let go of my mouth and sits beside me.
“I will scream” I say as I sit up.
“I will shut you up.” He states and somehow I am afraid of him. Yes, I know him for many years and he have never hurt me but maybe he changed. I stay silent and watch him face. “What happened? Why did you run away?” He asks, his voice is serious and it scares me even more.
“The baby needs you more than me.” I simply answer, looking out of the window. I need someone to come here right now. Max, where are you?
“Are you fucking kidding me?” He laughs sarcastically.
“Nope, Wilmer.” I shake my head and want to stand up but he puts his hand on mine, not letting me move. I swallow hard because I haven’t seen him so angry. Even when I went house drunk he wasn’t that angry, and it scares me. Suddenly I see Mike walking to the bus and I sigh. He will make Wilmer leave the bus.
“Don’t you understand that I will love that kid even if I’m not with you?” He asks. This time his voice is desperate. I want to answer but Mike enters the bus and walks closer to us.
“She doesn’t want to see you.” He says, looking at Wilmer.
“We need to talk.” Wilmer grabs my hand but I shake my head.
“Leave” Mike says again, and Wilmer stands up. As soon as he leaves the bus I start crying. He was here, he wants to be with me, he wants to fix everything but the baby… The baby needs him more than me, everyone knows that. “Are you okay?” Mike asks, sitting on front of me.
“Yes. Thank you.” I say, giving him a smile. “I’m just tired.” I lay again and close my eyes. Although I’m not tired at all, I don’t want to anyone. I need some space to think.
-
“He was here?” Natalie asks as I nod my head, drinking my hot chocolate. She sighs and sips her chocolate too. “You know, I’m your friend, I should support you, but it’s so stupid. Yes, you know how it feels to live without father, but maybe Wilmer can be with you and love that baby? You two could take him every week, and if that woman is a bitch, she will leave the baby anyways. So you and Wilmer could raise him or her.”
“The father has to be close to his kids, not just for weekends, Natalie and I don’t think that woman would leave the baby because Wilmer is rich, and she needs money. And if she loves him, it’s the worst situation ever. I just hope he would be happy. The baby will bring him joy and after some years he will forget about me.” I say, although I don’t believe what I’m saying. That woman can’t love him and if he really loves me, he won’t forget about the pain I gave him. He will hate me.
“He called me…” Natalie’s words makes my eyes widen. “He asked how you are and why you left him. I tried to explain everything…”
“Oh..” I breathe out, feeling tears in my eyes. “If he will call you again, say him that I love you okay?” I close my eyes and try not to cry.
“It will hurt him even more, Demi…”
“Yes, you’re right. I lost my mind.” I look out of the window. I can’t stop my tears anymore so I let them run down my cheeks. Natalie sighs, looking at me but doesn’t say anything. We stay in silence for a while. I let my thoughts go crazy and think about everything. I come back to time, when I wanted to have a baby with Wilmer. I come back to time, when he proposed to me. It wasn’t how I imagined it, but it was the sweetest thing ever. I come back to time, when we were laying in the bed and talking about stupid things. I can boldly say: I spent the best moments of my life with Wilmer.
After a few minutes I calm down and turn back to Natalie. I wipe my tears away and give her a smile. “Let’s talk about something else. I would love to talk about your love things.” I giggle as she rolls her eyes at me. I always tease her about her relationship status.
“Let’s not talk about that.” She giggles and pick up the phone from the couch.
“Someone is texting you?” I ask, giggling. She rolls her eyes at me again and looks down at her phone. I pick up my phone too and look at the messages. There are ten messages from Wilmer but I delete them without reading. “I need to change my number.” I say to myself and look at Natalie, who is looking at her phone. “I am going to sleep.” I stand up and walk to my small tour bus room. I lay in bed and hug a pillow, feeling alone again.
I want him back.
