I open my eyes and close them again as the killing pain reaches my brain. For a few minutes I just lay in bed or wherever I’m laying. Slowly I open my eyes again, and look around the room. Yes, I’m at my apartment, but I’m not in the bedroom or bed. I’m laying on the kitchen’s floor. Wow, what has happened?
I sit up and gasp. My kitchen is a mess. The champagne bottles scattered on the ground. Wait, did I have champagne? What did I celebrate? I stand up and the headache becomes worse. Somehow I manage to find some meds, which, I hope, will help me.
Then I sit on the chair and put my head in my hands. The memories of yesterday are coming back into my head and I start to shake. Wilmer regrets me. I ruined everything again. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Closing my eyes I let the tears run down my cheeks. It has never been so bad.
I need to do something. I can’t stay here. Well, at first I need to sign these divorce papers which Wilmer will send. Or maybe he was kidding? Maybe he said it because he was angry? Whatever, I will never ever come to him again. After all, he regrets me.
I lift my head from my hands and look around the apartment. Do I still want to be here? Where are so many memories… No, I don’t want to. I can sell the apartment. I can sell everything and leave. Yes, I can go to the Africa again. That place always makes forget the bad things. And at the same time I could start a new life and do something good. This is the plan.
Standing up, I look around my apartment. Why do I need these things? They can’t make me happy. They can’t replace the part of my heart which is taken away. No one can do that.
I rush to the bedroom and start packing my things. Putting all my clothes and things into suitcase I start crying. This is crazy. Wilmer left me, and it really broke me. I don’t know how to live anymore. This decision to run away is the lowest level. I’m running like a coward. But if you look from the other side, I have nothing to lose, because I have lost everything already.
After two weeks
“Demi, are you sure? We can sell the apartment later…” Mom says, hoping that I will change my mind. Since the day, when I told her about leaving, she hasn’t stopped to hope that I can change my mind. Every day she tried to convince me to stay here but no, I can’t.
“Yes, mom, I’m sure. All the money you will receive for an apartment and a car, donate to the charity. I don’t need any of that money.” I shake my head and look at my phone, which hasn’t stopped buzzing since my management announced the news of my departure. It seemed the best: to leave everything in the past and start a new life, although I’m too old to start a new life…
“Okay, Demi. We will do as you wish.” She says and hugs me. I hug her back and hold back the tears. I will miss her, I will miss everyone.
“Demi, what are you going to do with your guitar?” Madison asks as she enters the room.
“I don’t know but I don’t want to sell it. Take it with you, okay?” I ask and she nods. Wow, I haven’t thought it’s going to be that difficult. Mom releases me and I quickly walk to the closet where my clothes are.
“The clothes also give to the charity.” I say and look at all dresses.
“Demi, you will come back, you will need these clothes.” Mom shakes her head and quickly wipes the tears away from her cheeks. I sigh and turn back to the closet.
“If I will come back, I will buy something new.” I shrug and close the closet’s door. “Okay, I need to do one important thing, if you need me, I will be in the balcony.” I quickly walk out of the room. In the living room, I grab a paper and a pen. This is the last thing I have to do before leaving.
I enter the balcony and sit down on the chair there. Looking at the empty paper and sigh, it seems not easy. Taking a pen, I let out a last sigh and start. How should I start? Dear Wilmer or Mr. Valderrama?
Wilmer,
You may tear this letter but I think you should read it. Here you will find all the answers to all the questions.
First of all, I didn’t kill our child. You can think whatever you want, I don’t really care but I didn’t do that. The day when I left you after you found out that Elisabeth is your daughter, I felt sick. I ignored every sign of pregnancy and continue touring, living my life. But one day, I couldn’t take it anymore and I went to the hospital. There I found out about the baby. Of course I was in shock, and I don’t deny that the first idea was to get rid of the baby. My doctor changed my mind, and I promised myself to give birth. I was a mess and when I leave the hospital, I went out on the round without looking around and then the car hit me… I knew about the baby for a few hours and then I lost it. There was nothing left, you know? I was fucking young. You left me, I had nothing. And in one way, you can blame me because I kind of killed our baby. I had to be careful but then caution wasn’t in my mind.
Now you decide who to blame for the baby’s death.
Another reason why I am writing, I want to say something. Yes, you are right, I am your biggest mistake. You really should regret me. You would have never experienced so much pain. But at the same time you can’t blame only me. You didn’t push me away back then, you failed.
I promise you, you won’t see me again.
Please don’t hate me.
And don’t regret me.
With love,
Demetria Devonne Lovato, no longer Mrs. Valderrama.
I close my eyes finishing the last sentence. Honestly, I don’t know why I wrote it. Silly me.
