I feel some kind of pain in my back which is strong enough to wake me up. I slowly open my eyes and see white walls. Am I in the madhouse? I try to sit up but my back is killing me so I sigh and continue to look around the room. I try to remember what happened, but everything, what I remember is, how I read the note that it was a mistake. Then I see flashback of me shouting, Elisabeth crying, Wilmer slapping me but I have no idea what it is. Have it really happened?
The door slowly opens and someone steps in. I try to look who it is but I can move enough to do that. The person rush to me and as soon as its hand touches me, I understand who it is. It’s my mom’s touch. She puts her hand on my forehead and let’s a few tears fall down her cheek.
“Hey baby” She says, with a small smile although that smile doesn’t look happy at all. I’m trying not to panic, so I take deep breaths although it isn’t helping much.
“What happened?” I ask, looking around the room again. Mom sighs and sits down on the chair beside my bed, holding my hand. She strokes it for a while, making me more and more nervous. What the hell has happened?
“You had a huge fight with Wilmer and his…. Ex-girlfriend… Then you fall down the stairs and Max found you there.” She explained me everything as quickly as she could. I look at her confused. “Doctor said you probably had a panic attack. I’m sure Wilmer will explain everything. You didn’t even say you are back together.”
“Why ex-girlfriend?” I ask, ignoring her words. Memories slowly come back to my head and my heart starts beating faster and faster. Mom doesn’t say anything for a while again, she just stares into my eyes and strokes my hand.
“She... There was an accident… and she…” Mom doesn’t need to finish the sentence because I understand. The tears start rushing down my cheeks because it all is my fault. If I wouldn’t do that shit, she would be… dead. Why the hell I need to ruin everything?
“Elisabeth… How’s Elisabeth?” Suddenly I remember everything. She took Elisabeth with her. I start shaking as my heart beats like crazy. Everything starts turning around as my mom holds my hand tighter. She press red button which is over my head and the nurse rushes in.
Mom tells her something but I can’t hear what. I just close my eyes and try to think about something else but I can see just Elisabeth’s crying face. She couldn’t die because of me.
“Demi, listen, Elisabeth is fine.” I hear my mom’s voice but I can’t concentrate on it. I continue to take deep breaths as I slowly calm down. I haven’t had a panic attack for seven years and now I had two in one day. It doesn’t mean anything good.
“I want to see her.” I try to sit up but my back is still killing me. Mom looks at the nurse, who shakes her head. I sigh and let the tears run down my cheeks. I don’t remember the last time I felt like that. And I really hoped I won’t feel it again…
-
“I want to go to the funeral.” I state when mom comes into my room. She shakes her head and put a tray on the bedside. I really want to go to the funeral because it’s my fault that she isn’t with Wilmer and her daughter anymore. I should cry right now but pills, which my mom makes me drink, make me calm.
“No, Demi. It’s not good idea. Your doctor ordered you to stay at bed for as long as you can. So now you have to do what he told so you would well better soon.” Mom says, “Oh, by the way, I hear that Wilmer is selling his house and moving to the new place. Does that mean that you’re moving with him?”
“I’m not dating him.” I whisper, looking away. “We spend night together and then he left. I got mad and went to his house. There we had a huge argument and I told his girlfriend about us. That’s all.” I say as the tears run down my cheeks.
I cover my body with sheets and lay there. Everything looks so worthless right now because I’m sure that Wilmer will never be mine again. I killed his girlfriend. I left his child without mother. He will never forgive me. Life is worth nothing without him. My heart belongs to a man who hates me.
I hear how my mom sighs and sits on the edge of the bed, stroking my back, trying to comfort me but it’s impossible. I’m the worst person in this world. I should die, not she.
I close my eyes and try to sleep. My heart slowly calms down as I’m falling asleep.
“Wilmer, wait, we need to talk.” I see him standing in the garden, his back is facing me. We’re at our old house, which we sold some years ago. What the hell are we going here? I rush to him and want to touch his shoulder but he turns around and looks at me. I see tears in his eyes.
“Don’t touch me.” He says in a cold voice. I want to apologize but Wilmer starts talking first. “It’s your fault that she’s dead. If you wouldn’t come into my life, I would be happy, you understand that right” He walks closer to me but I’m afraid, so I’m stepping back until my back hit the cold fall of the house.
The tears start running down my cheeks. I know that it’s my fault but I didn’t think he will say it to me. I thought… Whatever, I was wrong.
“If you wouldn’t come to me, everything would be okay. Do you really think I love you?” He starts laughing. Tears run down my cheeks like a waterfall because he’s breaking my heart once again. He continues to laugh into my face, like I have never meant something to him. “You ruined my life. You ruined Elisabeth’s life. Are you happy for that?”
“No, Wilmer. I didn’t want to do that. I…. I swear” I apologize but he just laughs at me again. “Wilmer, what happened to you? Why are you so mad on me?”
“You killed my girlfriend, what do you want? Do you want to live together? It will never happen, Demi. Get over it. I FUCKING HATE YOU.” He shouts into my face. Then he turns around and looks at me for the last time, “By the way, I know it was your plan. You always wanted to kill her.” And then he’s gone. He slams the door behind himself, leaving me in the garden. “
I collapse on the grass and continue crying. I didn’t want to kill her. It wasn’t my plan.
“Demi, sweetheart, wake up” I slowly open my eyes. My mom is sitting on the edge of the bed, like before I fall asleep. She looks worried. “You were screaming in your sleep.” She says, stroking my hair. I don’t say anything, I just close my eyes and try to calm down again. It takes a while until my breathing becomes normal again. Although it was just a dream but I know Wilmer thinks like that. He hates me. And it okay because I hate me too.
