The Averagettes

Loss of volume

Henry was allowed home a week later but because the cancer had gotten worse he had already lost his hair. Bless him he tried wearing a beanie hat to hide it.
"Henry you don't have to wear the hat inside I won't love you any less."
"Oh so you love me now...."
"Don't start getting sarcastic."
For the past seven nights I have cried myself to sleep because I now know that in less than three months Henry will be gone and when that time comes I do not know how I will cope.
"Henry have you tried chemotherapy?"
"No that will be more painful than the cancer itself. Look Cynthia the best thing you can do is make the rest of my life amazing like you have done for the past month."
"But what if I can't cope without you?"
"Then you will learn to cope." He said as he felt under his hat. "Wow my hair has a serious loss of volume."
"Henry please do not make jokes...."
"Sorry.... want to order a pizza tonight."
"Sure ok. I call dibs on picking a movie."
"Fine what ever my lady wants."

Some people learn to cope but it isn't that easy to cope when you know someone you love is dying and there is nothing you can do to help them. The fact that I can't help Henry is killing me right now.... if I could take the cancer so he could live, I would do it. Poor thing he is in pain all the time but he hides it so the rest of us don't worry.
"Cynthia have you chosen a film yet!"
"Yes it's my favorite."
"Ok then. The notebook it is then."
The notebook is the first movie me and Henry watched together.
Half way through the movie Henry put his arm round me and I decided to lean in for a kiss. He started to lean forwards but then something caught my attention. I looked at Henry's face and I started to worry.
"Oh my god!"
He started to get really concerned.
"Cynthia what is it!"
"Your nose.... it's bleeding."
But instead of being a little scared he just grabbed a tissue and made the bleed stop.
"Should have warned you about that. The doctor said that I will get some nose bleeds. So do I get a kiss or not?"
Even though I was shaking from shock I have him one anyway and it was just pretty good and I just stared at him in awe and he looked at me with so much love in his eyes. These moments with him is the thing I am going to miss most when he is gone.
I know the symptoms will get worse but I am going to do what Henry asked me to. Make the last couple of months of his life amazing.

Just as the film finished Henry fell asleep so I decided to go and ask my mum some questions. I would have asked Henry's mum but she went home to sort some things out.
"Mum what do I do when Henry dies."
"The only thing you will be able to do is learn to cope."
"What if I can't cope?"
"Then just know that when he does die he will still be in your heart. They is nothing they can do for him."
"But why Henry!"
"No one deserves to get cancer but it always takes away someone."
"I don't want to lose him..."
"No one does Cynthia and if there was something we could do to save him then we would do it.
There is nothing else I have to say now. I will lose Henry in a couple of months and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

***************************

When I woke up the next meowing Henry was trying to climb up the stairs.
"Henry what are you doing?"
"I wanted to come up the stairs to see you."
"Ok. Let's get you back to the living room before you hurt yourself."
When I eventually got him back into the living room he looked a little bit pissed off.
"Look Henry I know you want to live the rest of your life to the full but if you keep doing that it will make me worried about losing you sooner than expected."
"Cynthia please just let me do this. Take me to the beach one last time today."
"I don't know."
He just grabbed my hand and said to me "please just do it for me."

Five minutes later we were in the car on our way to the beach. The whole car journey me and Henry talked about the stuff we talked about before I found out about his tumour. The only awful part about the journey was when we stopped for a pee break. As we walked down the middle of the restaurant everyone stared at us with pity in their eyes and it just made me more guilty that I couldn't help the guy I love.
"Cynthia just ignore it."
"How can I when everyone is staring!"
"Calm down I am fine....."
"No your not."
"Cynthia when your sad I am sad so please cheer up and let us have a good and fun day."
So no one stared at us we went out the back way of the restaurant and then we just drove the rest of the way to the beach.
"Henry do you need any help getting out."
"No I can still get in and out of the car."
"Henry no offense but I think you need to accept that you might need help with some things."
"I will not accept it until that time comes so can we please just drop it for now."
"Fine. What do you want to do first?"
"Getting onto the beach would be a start." He said as we walked onto the beach... I see he still has that annoyingly sarcastic side.
"We are on the beach."
We sat down and just didn't talk for five whole minutes because neither of is knew what to say.
"Cynthia all I am trying to do is live my life the way I would if I didn't have cancer."
"Henry all I am trying to do is care for you for once but why won't you let me."
"You have always been an independent person and If you start doing everything for me...... you might think I am weak."
"Henry don't be an idiot. I will never think your weak. It's not your fault that you have cancer. Its your father that is weak... his son is dying and he cannot be bothered to come and visit."
"Before I die I want him to come and see me and say sorry and actually mean it this time."
"Can we just agree on no more secrets?"
"Yeah sure."