Lights off

Chapter 19 Please don't go

Toby's POV

I woke up in the morning, finding the most beautiful girl in my embraces. It lightened up my morning and made it a good one. Well, not really good. Since I was thinking about her surgery. Or it might not even happen. I couldn't take the possibilities off my mind. I couldn't stop thinking about her, either. Not just about already missing her. But also... I feel like I have pity on her. I mean it's obvious she went through a lot. Though I don't know a thing about her past. But I just feel it. Maybe I'm not lucky enough to know about it someday. What if there's hope and she gains it back? I started thinking as I entered the bathroom, took off my clothes and hopped in the bathtub. What if she finds Mr. Right and forgets about me? Or even become the happiest that I left her life. What if she moved on? Could I take it seeing another man touch her rather than me? I would rather burn myself than see this. Will I bear seeing her live with another man and sleep with him or make out or have sex or whatever rather than me? Fuck this, Toby. It ain't gonna happen. Why have you even thought about this fucking surgery? Now, you're gonna lose her. And once you lose Spencer, you'll lose it all. You'll forget how sweet life tastes without her. I thought like... there was another person inside my head. Dammit! And what next? Even if I  hadn't thought about this and stayed with her? She'll still hate me anyways. I'm her fucking biggest fear and that's it. Nothing could possibly change that. I'm a loser anyways. I've always been one. The guy who....I closed my eyes and covered my face with both of my hands trying to get the demon outside of my head, the one that's chasing me, also known as, raising my conscience a little more higher than usual. To be honest, I've never felt like I have one. I always act heartless, though I'm not. At all. Face it Toby. You're a heartless piece of shit. And you don't deserve her. I finished my cold shower. And wrapped the towel around my waist, drying my face with another one. Once I put the towel down, I looked in the mirror. I felt worthless. I felt like I don't deserve to live, like I came here, to this world, by mistake. All I did was wrong things. And who knows I might get back to them once I leave her. I put on my clothes that I brought before I came here. I went out to see her sound asleep. I sat beside her and brushed her hair slightly. I sadly smiled at her then left. 

*At the library* 

I've thought about what Ms Lavwa told me before. About reading a book to someone would mean a lot more. And show great care. That you take up from your time just to help them enjoy something. So, I went to the library, not knowing which book should I pick, So I'll probably ask for Ms Lavwa's advice. But I already know which category: romance. To reassure Spencer that Romance is beyond perfection to read. I went through the roofs looking for her. Eventually, I found her like the last time, arranging the books through a roof. 

"Mrs Lavwa?" I said nervously, trying to raise my voice a little so could hear me. 

"Oh hello sir." She said, nicely. And I walked towards her. 

"Umm, I'm looking for a romantic book?" I asked in a low voice, I don't know why. 

"Sure, any specific book?" She asked. 

"Uh, no actually, I would like to know your recommends." I told her. and she looked through the roofs as a respond to my request. 

"Ahha." She stated in victory as she stuck out a book from one of the roofs. "Here you go, sir." She said, handing the book to me. "It's been the bestseller for a long while, I assume you would like it." She said, grinning kindly at me,  As I examined the book. I thanked her for helping then left. I went back home and when I opened the door I saw her walking. I guess she was heading to the couch. Once the door closed she stopped walking. Still taking in who might it be. I'm happy she's awake. 

"Spencer!" I said walking towards her and she seemed kinda relieved knowing that it's me. Well, not me for being me. Just me not another anonymous person. I threw the book on the counter and cupped her face to kiss her passionately. Breathing in her scent through the kiss. Seems like she woke up for a while and took her shower and stuff.