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Chapter 29 Unconsciously said

Toby's POV

"You know I had a hard time in the past few years," She spoke, cracked with obvious hurt. Is she gonna talk about her past? I don't think I'm ready for this. Especially now. Yea, I know I wanted to know about it before. But now isn't the best timing, as she's already shattering my heart with her cries. I can't listen to this now. "I always had this weirdly complicated life." She chuckled sadly, not meeting my eyes as she was looking down on her body. Tears never stopped streaming down her face. I wish I could wipe them off forever. And tell her that I'm here to hold her. But I can't. She breathed shakily and gulped before speaking. I felt like there was something in her throat. And I was assured after I heard the way she spoke. "I-I used to live with my parents in a town...f-faraway f-from here," She said, cracked, then sniffed. "People there weren't really educated tho," She chuckled sadly, and within a split second the smile faded again. "I moved in here to continue my education. I went to Rosewood high," She smiled, sadly, before continuing. I didn't know she wasn't from here. Why did she specifically mentioned that people in her town were uneducated? I don't know. Maybe she'll mention the reason in a while. "That's when I met those 3 girls," She gulped, and her chest started shaking slightly as she was doing her best not to cry heavier. Tears remained to fall, consecutively. And that view was the hardest for me to watch without doing a thing about it. Just sitting beside her like a worthless statue. "I-I s-still remember them." She gulped again. "A-Aria, Emily a-and H-Hanna." Once she said their names she looked away, not even looking at her body anymore. I felt like she was trying to get away from facing a fact or something. I don't know what's going through her head now. As much as I want her to sleep and forget about this, because I know remembering it all hurts her, as much I wanna know about it, maybe I could help her. I really wanna help her. I can't leave her like that. Truth is... I can't ever leave Spencer. I'm not gonna repeat the same stupid mistake again, which was the hugest mistake I've ever done in my entire life. Letting go of such rare beautiful soul like hers. I'm a dork, I don't deserve her. She deserves way better than me. "They were nice to me, or so I thought." Her eyes were so red and puffy. And I couldn't stand seeing her like this. "Most of the time they used to make fun of me because I was a nerd and I always got A's. They thought it was funny. But for me it wasn't. I hated it but I always forced this stupid smile of mine." She snapped, sadly like a child. Her smile is stupid? For real now? She has the most beautiful smile. That you could risk anything just to see it. "I hated myself. I hated my body. I used to hate everything in me-" She said sadly, then paused herself. She laughed loudly, slightly lifting her chin up in the air. "I still hate my body, you know." She said, cracked again. She changed 360 degrees. Wow. I felt so bad for her. The sad expression didn't leave my face for a second. I want her to know that everything about her is perfect. Not only her body. If only she could see herself the same way I see her. "And because of that, I didn't go to prom." She wiped a tear but the rest continued to fall quickly one after another. "I told them I would so they'd stop bothering me about it. But I didn't go." She cried more, covering her face. Damn, what can I do to calm her down? Hug her. No, without touching her? Fuck you. Okay, thanks. "Don't you see this body?! How could a dress fit me?! I'm not a model or something. I'm just a fat nerd!" She whined like a 3 year old cute girl. But she was so hurt. I widened my eyes at her in shock and confusion. But she obviously didn't see me as her eyes were buried under the river of tears above it. "That day was the worst." She gradually calmed down, but her eyes widened in a scary way. She was looking in front of her like she's seeing something again, but obviously inside her head. Please, Spencer, don't think about this now, please. "That prom night. I was so fed up. I was fed up of being alone all the time. No parents, no true friends and no one taking care of me."

"Spence, you're not alone." I murmured, sadly, looking at her while she was looking away. I knew she didn't hear me as she continued without looking.