Amber Liu (o.s & s.s)

broken

*TRIGGER WARNING: this chapter will contain self harm, eating disorder related things, and possibly a descriptive suicide. You have been warned.
(ps, if you all ever feel depressed, suicidal, or are urged to hurt yourself in anyway, please message me. I'm here to help)

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Ambers POV

I stared at my sleeping girlfriends still body, moving slightly with the movement of her steady breathing. The sound of heavy raindrops hit our tin roof at a fast rate, but it was all calming. My beautiful girl friends breathing, the rain, the sound of my two favorite things turning into my favorite song around me. It all engulfed me in a peaceful state of mind.

Everything seemed slow, I felt restless.

I placed my hand on the cheek of my lover, caressing it and rubbing her sharp cheek bones slowly. Her eyelashes brushed against the tip of my thumb, making chills run down my spine. She deserved much better than what I could ever give her, we both knew that. I sighed and got up from the bed, leaving the warm heat radiating off of my significant other.

I walked over the desk on the other side of our shared haven. I flipped the dim lamp on slowly, making sure to not make too much noise and wake her.

I grabbed a piece of note book paper and a black, ball point ink pen and began writing.

'Dear reader,

I know that my actions probably didn't effect anyone but my love, but whoever else may get this hands on this, it wasn't your fault. I choose to do this because I had to, I just couldn't stand being present anymore. No one did anything wrong and in fact, (y/n), you did everything just right. You've brought me happiness and you brought me hope, which are two things that I haven't felt in a very long time. Upon meeting you, I felt as if you would be the one that saved me from myself, but I was wrong. I was in far too deep to be saved and my soul was untouchable. The shattered pieces of it had scattered everywhere, being stepped on and broken even more by others. I'm so sorry that I had to do this to you baby girl, you'll never forgive me for this. But, you deserve so much better and you deserve someone who is happy, supportive, and can feel love. I was incapable of doing so.
I'll forever being watching over you, my love. I'll be watching from the stars. Goodbye for now, and goodnight for the nights where my heat won't be felt.
-with love,
Amber Josephine Liu
p.s., I'm sorry that I couldn't keep our promise. I couldn't stay alive for you.'

Satisfied with the letter, I put the pen back down beside the paper and got up from the desk and went to our bathroom. I searched in the drawers for my blades that I had hidden carefully, making sure that they weren't found by anyone but myself. When I finally found them, I began to run warm water in the tub, stripping down into my underwear. While waiting for it to fill, I sat the sharp razors on the edge of the bath.

I opened the cabinet just behind the mirror and wrapped my hands around a cold, plastic bottle of sleeping pills that were prescribed to me for my insomnia. The bottle was full because of my refusal to take them, along with my other medications like antidepressants and anxiety medicines. I closed the cabinet carefully. I pushed down on the top of the lid and screwed the cap off. I poured the pills that would fit into my hands out and studied them. They all were a medium sized, blue pill that was very easy to shallow. I raised my hand up, gulping this handful and then getting another, which was the remainder of the medication and I did the same.

The pills went down hard and slow and I washed the lump out of my throat with cold water.

The bath was ready so I stepped in slowly. I laid sat down and let the warm water engulf my body into it, steam now coming off of my shoulders that were still slightly exposed to the outside air. I began to feel dizzy, so I grabbed the razors and pushed hard and fast on the vein located at the top of my right arm. I repeated the process with the left. I continued to cut, deeper and deeper into the wounds that spilled blood into the clear bath, turning the water a rusty color. The smell of blood filled my nose, so I sat back, letting my entire body be shallowed by the warm water.

"Goodbye," I said under the water, making bubbles rise to the top and then losing consciousness.