Let's Play a Game

Chapter 38: Let Me Love You

The music is still playing and everything seems normal. Normal, as if what I had just done were nothing. Normal like I never saw those pictures. Everything seems normal. I'm looking for Maya and Alissa. Maybe they hadn't seen it yet and we could still have a good time before it all went to shit.  I push through the crowd of people  searching for them. They weren't at the table we sat at before. Its hard to see with the lights dimmed so low.

Someone grabs my hand pulls me back and twirls me around. A yelp escapes my lips, my chest collides with theirs. I find my self face to face with a black mask and blue eyes I could recognize anywhere. He smells faintly of mint and musky wood. Why is that such an attractive smell? I take a deep breath through my nose and tilt my head to look up at him.

"You've been avoiding me princess" he says thoughtfully. It wasn't a question, it was a statement, it was the truth. He looks... handsome, beautiful even. His hair has a grown a bit since I last him. His eyes are blue and shinning, there's no smile on his face but his not upset either. Had he been thinking about the kiss? Had he been wondering what caused me to do it? A slow song comes on and I find myself slowly dancing with him in the middle on the dance floor. I look away from him to avoid his questioning gaze. I had no answer for him.

When he realizes I wasn't going to respond he asks "Why? Why have you been avoiding me Lillian?" There's hurt in his voice, a deep aching hurt.

My gaze flicks up to his "Don't call me that" I say quickly looking around at the people around us making sure they hadn't over heard.

"What are you hiding from? Who cares if people know who you really are. It doesn't matter and if they can't see the person you are now because of who you used to be then they're idiots"

"I care" I snap "I don't have to explain myself to you. It's my life, which you're no longer apart of" I remind him.

He presses his lips together and contemplates what I'm saying.

"I quit" he replies quietly

"Quit what?" I ask confused.

"The club" he explains "I quit the club. The points and playing with girl, I quit. I'm done with the games and-and the lying."

He takes a breath and stops dancing all together. He stares at me, his gaze briefly flickering to my lips. "I just want to be with you" he finally says. I blink  processing what he just told me. He wanted to be with me?

"Julian, I-"

"Be with me" he interrupts, His hands are gripping my arms "Lillian, be with me. Let me make you happy, let me make it better, we-we can do this together. Just let me love you"  The look in his eyes is desperate and full of vulnerability.

My heart burst with emotion.  He just told me he loved me, he just said he loved me. My mouth falls open but nothing comes out. My thoughts are mush. This was all I ever wanted for him to tell me. All those endless days- years pinning over him and imaging being with him. At some point I had even dreamed about our wedding. But now that I was actually hearing the words I have wished for him to tell me and I couldn't tell him yes. I couldn't tell him I loved him back. I couldn't. They would just hurt him and I couldn't do that to him. He couldn't make it better. I was on my own. I swallow my fear

"Julian. I can't be with you, you don't even know me. You're in love with the idea of me" the words felt like acid on my tongue "I'm not what you want. I don't love you. I could never be with you. The sooner you accept that the better off you'll be" I didn't hesitate or sound unsure not even once. This is what I do. Yes I lie and yes I act and hide my face but sometimes I do it not just for my sake but also for people I care about. My life was a mess, this person whoever he or she was they were dangerous. I couldn't be apart of that. My friends were already at risk by knowing who I am.

Julian frowns at me and I can see the hurt in his eyes. I just hope it's enough to make him leave me alone. "Bullshit" he snaps

I grit my teeth together "I. Don't. Love . You. Get it?" I ask sarcastically "We are never gonna happen, not again. You need to get over this little fantasy you have in your head about making things right with me by doing whatever it is your trying to do." I push away from him.

"I know you better than that Lillian. Something's going on and I'm going to find out what it is. You mark my words, I'm going to find it what it is"
Julian's stalks away from me and into the crowd. I refuse to let myself feel guilty or regret what I did, because I didn't.

I turn on my heel and find Maya and Alissa by the punch. "Spiking the punch again?" I ask jokingly. They look at me and Maya has solemn look on her face. Fear spikes through me, there's no way she knew what I did right?
But then it breaks into a smile "Shut up, you're gonna get us caught" Alissa giggles and I return the smile and relax a little.

"So what's up!" I ask grabbing myself a drink. "Well" Alissa says sighing in an overly dramatic manner "Maya here is still avoiding our dear Thomas" Maya rolls her eyes brushing it off  "I don't want to talk about it okay? No big deal" something flashes in her eyes I'm not sure what it was but there was something there.

I think I know why she was avoiding him or at least that that picture had something to do with it. "Okay" I reply shrugging and taking another sip form my cup.

"Soooo" Alissa has a smug look on her face and leans against the table. "What was with you and that black masked hottie on the dance floor?" I nearly choke on my drink "You guys were watching the whole time?" Maya and Alissa nod in unison

"And you didn't do anything?" I demand jokingly.

"I mean it looked like you were blushing so that's a good sign right?" Alissa asks

I shake my head "I wasn't blushing and by the way that black masked hottie was Julian"

"Oh" Maya says "What'd he want?"

I let out a breath "He told me he loved me and that he wanted to be with me. He wanted to make things right between us"

"Oh my god" Alissa squeals  and claps her hands together excitedly. Maya elbows her in the ribs and shoots her a look. "Sorry" she mumbles rubbing her side.

"What did you say?"  Maya asks softly.

I press my lips together and shake my head slightly "I told him I couldn't be with him."