Let's Play a Game

Chapter 39: Selfish

I thought Maya was going to cower away and maybe even cry a little when she found out. I was afraid it might even break her, after all we all have our weak moments. This was something she's been hiding for who knows how long. It's something personal, it was something she would eventually have to courage and tell us about it. On her own terms. If I had been her I would have been absolutely mortified. But instead when she first found out she was livid, absolutely furious.

3 Days Before

We were all siting on Nina's bed gossiping and talking about our night. Maya,Alissa and I had changed our of our dresses and were now comfortably dresses in sweats and t-shirts. The atmosphere was calm and warm. Nina's parents were out of town for the weekend so we had the house to ourselves. For the first time in a while I felt at home and safe. I've been so anxious and worried but this time I had with my best friends was exactly what I needed. At this point the picture was the my last thing on my mind.

"And then" Nina pauses for the dramatic affect "he kissed me"  Alissa giggles and I yell out  "Finally!"

"I know right" she agrees giddily. Her eyes are twinkling and her face bright with colour, she looked happy.

"I told you he had a dirty side" Maya jokes ,popping a tic tac into her mouth, "Did he grab your ass?"

Nina rolls her eyes turned up her nose "I don't kiss and tell"

"You've already told us he kissed you so technically.." Alissa trailed off wiggly her eyebrows at her.

"Shut up" Nina says grabbing one of the pillows and hugging it to her chest.

"Come on he totally-"

Maya stands up abruptly and says loudly "What the fuck?!" We all turn to look at her and a little bit startled at her sudden out burst. "What the fuck is this" she hisses looking at her phone screen.

My heart drops. My stomach twits and turns. I felt sick, oh no she saw the picture. "Where are your phones?" She asked.

"Downstairs charging" Alissa replied looking worried "What'd wro-" she starts to ask but is cut off by Maya.

She turns to Nina "You?"

"On my desk" she motions to it across the room "I haven't looked at it all night"

"It's dead" I show her before she can ask. I hadn't bothered to charge it. I didn't want to look at the picture again.

Alissa stands up from the bed, she cautiously walks to Maya "Maya, what wrong?" She places a hand lightly on her upper arm.

"Don't touch me" she jerks away looking down on her phone. On the outside she looks like a raging fire but I can see the hurt in her shining eyes.

"Maya?" I ask quietly. She takes a deep breath and looks at us, her lips pressed together tightly in a straight line.

"I need to tell you guys something" she chokes and stifles back a sob. She was coming out, she wanted to say to us before we could see the picture.

"I- I'm bisexual" she says pressing her hand to her mouth sobbing into it. She grips the phone tightly to her chest. "Oh honey" Nina stands up and we all go to her. She slides down to the floor trying to stifle her cries. "It's okay" I try to soothe her "there's nothing wrong with that or you"

She hiccups and wipes her eyes. "I-I know it just" she hiccups again. "It's alright" Alissa says stroking her hair. Maya shakes her head "No it's not that" she croaks.

"What is is sweetie?" Alissa asks her kindly. With a shaking hand Maya lifts up her phone and shows us the screen.

"Someone sent this photo to everyone"

Alissa gasps and Nina and I stare at it in silence.

"What the freak, who would do that?" Nina asks clearly upset for her . Maya wipes her tears with an open palm.

3 Days Later

The guilt was going to eat me alive. It would eat me alive, inside and out. Have I really gone this far to protect my own secrets? The part of me that was selfish and afraid whispered "yes" I hated that part me. That part of me was that part I hated the most. It was mix of past and present. A coward, unwillingly to face the music, and a selfish girl who manipulated people to get what she wanted. The selfish girl protected only herself, she was selfish with cause. If that made it any better, which it didn't. The selfish girl came to be because of the coward and the demons that haunt her.

That haunt me, they follow me around like my shadow. Maybe they'd disappear if I was lost to darkness. If i walked from the light and let myself be surrounded. Wrap myself in it. Wrap myself in darkness and be lost in it.

Oh how badly I wanted to tell her but the words refused to pass my lips. They refused to become words. I wouldn't let myself. I was afraid of her reaction yet I knew however she reacted, I would deserve it. Whatever words she'd say to me I'd deserve them. Because what I did was cruel and it shouldn't been her choice to come out. I took that away from her. I was the reason she was upset and was crying.

She looked straight ahead not even flinching when someone called something out to her. She would flip that off or just stalk away. Nina, Alissa and I were worried for her. This must have been hard. Probably harder then we could imagined. We would try to talk to her but she acted as if nothing was wrong.

Everything had been quite the days afterwards the incident. I had the small hope they would leave me alone after this. I felt as if I had hit rock bottom. I had to start taking my anxiety meds, the nightmares came more frequently. I'd wake in a cold sweat and usually vomited whatever I had eaten before going to bed. Maybe I deserved it.