UNFORGIVEN
MARCH
Cecille. That's the name of the woman living in the house next door. She's new in the neighborhood, moved in just a month ago.
I rarely see her. She's nocturnal--work at night, dead asleep in the morning. But I easily noticed her on those rare accusations because, uh, she's not really what you will call beautiful but man, the body! 'Shaped like a guitar! Blessed chest and bottom, small waist, flat stomach, great legs, silky fair skin. Any man's dream to, uh, bring in front of the altar? 'Cause guys should at least think of marrying the girl they fantasize, right? I definitely don't want men just fantasizing on my sister.
Anyway, I just found out she's twice my age--thirty. She told me that when we had a moment after she suddenly grasped one of my arms as I was passing in front of her house. At first I thought she would abduct me and I was fine with that but actually, she just wanted me to help her move her sofa bed because there was a foul smell coming from there which she suspected is a dead rat and she was right. I was hoping she would jump into my arms after seeing it but I was the one who cringed for the thing's as big as a kitten. That made her laugh and her laughter made me feel really good. See, my Lola told me that making a woman happy is a sign of maturity.
After helping Cecille discard the dead, she implied that we... I mean, she asked how she can make up for my good deed. My boss down there told me to tell her to let him die and get buried inside her but my ever reliable brain said I should decline such offer because the women in my family was hoping I'd grow into a perfect gentleman. So that's what I'll be lest the men in my family would turn me into their punching bag.
After that day, Cecille and I became good friends. Just friends. Because she's already a married woman whose husband works abroad. And she's just a few years younger than my mom and would pass for an aunt.
So I wouldn't dare... bed her.
Even if she would make a hint every chance she got.
----
JULY
Miss Karylle is my Trigonometry teacher and adviser. And I have a huge crush on her. She can make a genius in Math out of a moron and that's just a plus. Her best asset is that she's young, pretty and refreshing and her smile can melt a truck tire.
I don't know if she has a boyfriend but judging on how she's checking on me after I gave her a love note, she must be single. She would always call me in recitation and I would catch her giving me a gentle stare. I wish though that she can be a little discreet about her feelings since a teacher-student relationship is forbidden in school. What is she thinking! When I told her I like her it's not like I want her to be my girlfriend right away. I'm only in Grade 9. My measly allowance can only cover the fare going to a park if we decided to date, a lugaw with egg for a meal and Coke solo for a drink, those being the decent treat.
Unless she's willing to spend for me.
It seems she would but nah. She should be patient until I graduate.
Maybe I'll write her another note telling her to put a reign on her feelings.
----
NOVEMBER
Geez. What am I gonna do with you, Elaine Jamala? This woman, a La Salle dropout who's the owner of the computer shop I'm frequenting, is always giving me a come on look. I would have... I would have give in but I don't feel anything special towards her.
Boss down there said he love Elaine and he can feel she's waiting and ready for him but aside from not having the romantic feeling towards her, Elaine made me nervous. She looked like an FHM centerfold model, her lips always pouty in bloody red lipstick, a warning that she could be sadistic when we're left alone in her cubicle.
When I logged out, she said I don't have to for pay my computer rent forever if I would lend her my innocence. I gave her my fifty peso bill, hurried outside not minding my twenty-peso change.
----
JANUARY
"Leon," my Lola called with that warning look again. I was next in the confession booth and she knows I'm allergic to it. It's been a year since my last confession that she literally dragged me to the church to keep me from hell. Haha.
Oh, well. I think I've collected enough sins, grave sins in fact, to be forgiven.
I knelt in front of the booth and started:
"Father, forgive me for I have sinned.
I am only fifteen and I had sex with three older women. One is my neighbor, a married woman whose husband works abroad. The other is my teacher, a good woman who has a reputation to uphold. Last is a player who simply wanted to taste me.
Sorry again, Father. Truth is it's not just them. There's more. All of them older and good looking with a body to die for and lusting on my youth. I'm young and innocent but with promising virility, Father, how can I say No?
Besides, they... they keep pestering me that I've no choice but to surrender. All my waking hours they crawl in my mind. In nighttime before I sleep, they're also there, flirting, teasing, promising endless pleasures. Even in my sleep they would hunt me and no matter what I do they would catch me every time. Then... the experience... It was actually good, Father, that I can't shut them from my head.
I'm sorry. Forgive me, Father. I know I shouldn't covet something that's not mine. I shouldn't be lustful for to simply have lustful thoughts on someone, desiring them to fill my physical needs is a sin. I'm young and already desirous of worldly pleasures. Hell must be having a feast for the premature death of my soul.
But I... I'm sorry, I can't get them out of my head! I tried many times but I can't. This certain need inside a man... it hurts. And these women would always appear before me to clear that ache. And actually I think I live up to their expectations that they keep coming back for more--"
The priest cleared his throat.
"Child, you must be out of your mind talking to a priest like that. Do you really want forgiveness? You already know it's a sin so try very hard not to let those evil thoughts corrupt you."
The priest started praying for him.
"Now, pray three five Hail Maries and three Our Fathers. Go and don't sin again."
Gosh, another chance for purity. I should really try my best now not to be governed by uncontrollable desires.
As I walk to the prayer chair, I saw a petite nun knelt on the floor praying quietly. She raised her head and looked at me, intently, from head to foot. She's cute -- but scary. She must be imagining me wearing nothing.
No-No-NO! The priest just bailed you out, you idiot!
I shook my head and turn my focus to other things.
I saw the angel figures. Then the saints. And Christ at the center of the altar, almost naked, bloodied, nailed on the cross. The Savior who died for the sins of the world.
Yes, because of Him I can be saved.
Then I saw the Virgin Mother...
I will never be forgiven.
