What Makes a Family | LT ✔️

Chapter Fourteen: Anguish

AUTHOR'S POV   

The hour is 3 am. Laurent's eyes slowly open and he gazes at the baby monitor on his nightstand. At this time he's usually awakening to the sound of crying...but there isn't any crying. The room is silent and now Laurent is recalling the moment he and Larry had to turn Christian over to Jenna. It's been three days and although there will never be a time limit on healing it feels like it just happened a minute ago. Laurent feels a teardrop fall over his nose and he brings his hand up to wipe it away. He turns his head to make sure Larry is still asleep then quietly gets out of bed and heads for the nursery. There was a night light on in this room every night but it's been off since that heartbreaking day so it's completely dark. Laurent flicks on the light then stands in the doorway as he recalls everything about that moment. His body becoming so weak in despair that he fell to his knees crying relentlessly. Larry was right there with him and even long after Christian was gone they held each other and cried until there were no tears left to which afterward they stood up with Laurent softly shutting the front door. They went over to the couch and the state of shock running through them was as hard as the way their tears flowed. One minute Christian was sleeping peacefully in Laurent's arms and the next minute he was being taken away with nothing they could do about it. Then there was Christian's crying. If there's anything comparable to the pain they felt relinquishing him it was the devastating cry they heard. He was in complete distress and if the crying had words to it they would have been, "please don't take me away". It was simply heart wrenching and as they sat there still trying to come to terms with what happened they slowly looked over at each other. Having the same thought tears began to flow once more. They will never, ever forget that sound and even now standing in this doorway observing the room Laurent can hear that cry so he rapidly shakes his head to make it go away for the remembrance of it is just unbearable. He walks into the room and observes everything beginning with the bookshelf then the changing table intentionally saving the crib for last. He stands over it and right away has the image of little man sound asleep in it all those nights...the cover gently placed over him...Laurent and Larry watching him wondering if he's dreaming and what those dreams were about. Those moments where Christian looked up at them with those big, beautiful eyes and as he got more comfortable with them waving his arms and kicking his legs in excitement as if both were his way of talking to them. It was always such a joy to see and without question it always warmed their hearts. Laurent also recalls the letter he wrote him and the exact place he stored it. After putting Christian back in his crib that night the refolded letter was tucked underneath the sheet in the top corner of the crib. It was his way of making sure those words were always close to his son and now he can't resist taking it out to read those words again. He walks over to sit in the rocking chair and he gulps as he slowly unfolds the letter because he knows that a wave of emotions are about to come over him yet, he can't help it. These words are and will always be true. Although, one particular part of it will become overwhelming...

"From the moment I saw you I knew I was supposed to be your papa and from the moment I saw you I knew I never wanted to lose you. I never want to know what that kind of pain feels like". 

Two tears fall simultaneously down Laurent's cheeks and he can literally feel his heart twisting because not wanting to know what that kind of pain feels like and actually feeling it right now is just too much for his heart. He reads down to the very last word and after refolding the letter again his tears continue to flow as he rocks back and forth. What he doesn't know is that Larry has been aware of his every move. He hasn't been sleeping too well himself and he felt Laurent's eyes open when they were in bed and he watched him walk out of the bedroom already knowing where he was headed. When he got out of bed he walked quietly to the nursery and once there he stayed out of view. He could tell Laurent was beginning to cry causing his own tears and now hearing Laurent cry uncontrollably he can't take it anymore so he steps back and presses his back against the wall then quietly slides down until he plops down on the carpeted floor beneath him. He tries to subdue his crying as best as he can...but his love in so much pain while also sharing that same pain makes it impossible. Laurent hears him now so he stands up from the chair, places the letter in it then heads for the hallway to be with Larry. By this point Larry's knees are propped up and his head is resting on them. When he feels Laurent standing over him he slowly brings his focus to him. They look into each other's pain-filled eyes and as Laurent sniffs he extends his arms down signaling for Larry to take his hands so he can pull him up. The second he is they hold each other...completely vulnerable just as they're completely heartbroken. Moments later Laurent releases the hug then takes Larry's face in his hands to wipe his tears away. He guides them to the bedroom with Larry's head resting on Laurent's shoulder and now inside they climb in bed. Larry's back is facing Laurent and with his arm now wrapped around Larry's torso he kisses the back of Larry's neck and listens to his quiet sniffs while releasing a few of his own before they finally fall asleep...