Feelings

Innocent

The fist time was all a blur. The one action of violence has destroyed my life. It plays on my mind every day, I see in his face in nightmares and it makes me so afraid that closing my eyes has now become a constant battle. The first time it happened it felt amazing to have the attention of someone I loved and cared about. But as it went on, I became to understand what was happening was wrong, I was threatened not to tell anyone. The feelings of shame and guilt still eat away at me from that very first time. At the age of 7 I was so innocent and never really understood what I was doing, and what I was being forced to do. Day after day it would happen only making me feel less and less of myself. The constant fight to make him stop never worked, I was just a rag doll waiting to be used then through away. This is how I felt daily. From a such a young age i was made to feel ugly, fat, unless and worthless, being told this by someone you love is hard but when you start to believe it Its worse. It destroys every part of you confidence and self worth. I look in the mirror so ashamed an disgusted by what I see. My life and how I fell is defined by that one act of cruelty. I'm constantly holding back tears, so afraid to be vulnerable letting people see the real me is hard. Im fighting everyday trying to find myself. Yes I might seem like I know what I and who I am but really deep down I'm just coving up because for so long Ive had to push down what I really feel. I'm constantly trying to find the me that was there before this happened.

What the point of life when you have hit your all time low, when you are constantly fighting to be happy but nothing but sadness surrounds you. What's life when you walk around so unsure of who are or and you want. I look back at my life and every decision and choice I've made seems wrong.

Since then time has gone passed but still to this day I can remember the feel of his rough hands on me. His cold hearted voice whispers in my ear telling me to do better. I felt so inferior and so alone. I was so scared that screaming never seemed like something I could do. I will never forget that look on his face, the Face told me I was doing something wrong. Every day it happened i wanted to cry but he never liked tears. Was the because you never wanted to see how much pain you caused me? I trusted you, you where me brother at the age of 7 I believed that you where playing fun games with me. Never would I have imagined that one game turned jot a crime. Still today I don't understand why you did it. I trusted you with every thing I had I believed in you, but I guess you never really cared about the pain and hurt you where causing me.

Yes one day I will stand tall and move forward. The pain might go away but the memory will never go away. That will stay in my heart forever.

stay strong