Feelings

I Wake Up

I wake up, tears rolling down my checks. My breathing rapid, my heart is racing with fear. I sit up in my bed, trying to take deep breaths and to stop the tears from flowing. I pull my pillow to my chest and hold it tight; it gives me a sense security. The thoughts of the nightmare playing over and over in my head, I try to push the thoughts and memories away but they won't leave, not until they have made me so weak that my urge to hurt myself grows and I have no control of body. My brain just begging for me to take the blade in my hand to cut, to stop all the voices, to release the pain and the numbness I feel.

The nightmare that I have daily scare me so much that sleeping has become something I dread. In the last couple of months there is hasn't been a night I've gotten a good night sleep. This doesn't only affect me mentally but also physically. I'm always tired, sometimes grumpy and unpleasant to be around. I try so hard to push the feelings away, to me able to tell the voices and pain to leave. It seems like each night the nightmares are getting worse, the memories are stronger the pain and the voices get harder and harder to control.

Just last night I had one of the worst nightmares in a long time. I was there in his room, his bed In the middle of the room with a small table on the far corner. On the floor where playing cards that he set up to play with before he raped me. I always loved playing cards, I was young, playing with my older brother, I trust me I never thought he would hurt me. I remember we played for a little while before he stood up and slowly he started to get undressed. I was still sitting on the floor, throwing the cards in the air. He then told me to stand up and take off my pants and undies. I always did what I was told; he was older so he knew best. So I listened I took of my clothes, both of us standing there naked. He grabbed my hand and while saying "come here, be a good girl". I walked closer to him, he pushed me to my knees and forced his manly hood into my mouth. He would hold me head, pushing me back and forth quickly. I had no idea what I was doing, I was scared, but it was my brother, I was doing what I was told. I would scream in pain and yell for him to stop but nothing worked. He held me down while he would rape me. He covered my mouth so my cries and screams turned into soft whispers. The abuse wasn't enough for him, he wanted to destroy me that little bit more so he would call me names, names that I still define myself as.

I would leave his room, in so much pain, my body aching. No longer would he want to play with me, he got what he wanted and just like that he pushed me away. I would go to the bathroom and cry, small amounts of blood on my undies. I felt so disgusted and ashamed of myself. It was all my fault. I had sex with my brother. I would wipe my eyes, leave the bathroom and enter my living room a big smile on my face. No one suspected anything I didn't say anything to anyone. Day after day this was my life, waking up in the morning, going to school, coming home to a drunken dad, sexually abuse, showing a fake smile and then bed.

From the first time it happened when I was 7, I lost myself. I lost Gabby, now 8 years later she is still gone. My brother took the real me the first day he decided I was worthless enough to be sexually abused. I don't blame I'm not worthy of much, but still I would like to be Gabby, the happy girl I once was.

These nightmares aren't just picture, I'm right back there and I feel like the abuse is happening all over again. I don't know how to make them stop. All I know they are making my life a living hell.