Feelings

Courage

By going through every struggle in my life and still going through I’ve had to build up certain skills and qualities to allow me to continue to fight and get through each day. Yes each day brings a new obstacles but without the skill of courage I don’t think I would be here today.

Some day’s life really brings me down, and I feel depressed and alone. I don’t believe and understand I can make it through. Lately my life has been pretty tough and I’ve had to fight a lot to make it through these days unharmed and still standing on my feet. But each of my friends have told me that I have courage to be able to make it though and keep living even if that means I’m sad, depressed, lonely I’m still here and trying to overcome this battle. In my life for years I was forced to believe the abuse was my fault, but now I’m beginning to understand I was the VICTIM. Like all victims we are so afraid and ashamed to tell someone because we scared and intimated my offender in my case of brother. After the 4 years I was so broken and fragile but still lived each day, mostly by fake smile and feeling so ashamed and guilty but I still fought. Such a young girl so scared and alone with no one to hold her, she was made to battle with her demons alone. The courage and determination she had not to let this bring her down kept her fighting to see another day. It was so easy at the start to push the abuse away because I never really understood what was going on. But as I become more aware I hated it and did everything I knew to try and make his stop, but he never did. NOT UNTILL I HAD TO STRENGHT AND COURAGE TO SPEAK UP AND TELL SOMEONE WHAT WAS GOING ON. I COULDN’T LIVE MY LIFE JUST FORGETING ABOUT IT AND PUSHING MY FEELINGS AWAY ANY MORE IT WASN’T WORKING. IT COME TO A POINT WHERE CERTAIN WORDS AND THINGS WOULD MAKE ME HAVE FLASHBACKS.  I COULD NO LONGER HIDE IT, BECAUSE IT STARTED TO CONTROL ME.

People say I should have spoken up earlier but what they don’t understand is how hard it is to find the courage within yourself. I believe everyone has the courage to speak and ask for help. YEAH it might take time to fine that courage but it’s in you. Telling someone not only made me stronger but also allowed me to finally start living my life. My heart is still broken but it healing. The scares and wound on my heart will never fad but will no longer define me. I will never forget the abuse I will heal but never forget it. The pain might go away but the memories will always be in my heart. I’m no longer that innocent girl just accepting and allowing people to walk over her. I’m standing tall and aware.

The abuse was the most horrible thing I will ever have to face but it also taught me so much. The abuse made me so much stronger and so determined to try and stop this from happening to any other girl or boy. No one deserves to feel the shame, guilt and blame I feel every day of my life. This has turned me into the person I am today. I see myself as understanding, honest, loving, and caring but most off all courageous. I’m now a daughter, granddaughter, sister and friend the past isn’t going to stop me from moving forward and being the best person I can be.

If life has taught me anything so far it’s NEVER GIVE UP. Yes I spoken up I’ve talked about ending my life many times but I’ve never down it because I know how much I have to offer in this world. I want to be the support others need to be able to speak up and ask for help. Getting help and admitting what has happened to you is the 1st step to recovery. Don’t be afraid because you have people by your side that’s gonna help you and support you. If you ever feel alone message me I’m gonna be there for you.

I’m gonna rise about my past one day, it might not be today but one day I will be standing tall and happiness will surround me.

To every one dealing through abuse no that it’s gonna be ok. Don’t see asking for help as a weakness instead as a strength. God created us all individually and made us into the people we are today. He wouldn’t have given you this battle if he didn’t think you could handle it.

Take control of your life today and don’t stop fighting until you are the person you wanna be.

Courage has played a big part of my recovery and has now defined me as strong, sweet, caring, a fighter, great big sister, amazing friend, sweet smile, smart and determined this is how my friends see me (Thanks Jules).

Stay strong because you’re all worth life and happiness.