Feelings

Built Wall

As a victim I always had this guilt and blame the abuse was somehow my fault. Days like today when this feeling is so strong I feel so numb, like I’m trapped. I lose all hope and faith in myself and the world. My life for years has been a living hell. It just seems like a battle that never seems to end.

Days like today I want to feel beautiful, I want to wake up and love the person I am. My brother took away that love and pride I should feel for myself. I lost the love a long time ago, the love that seems so hard to find again. People tell me I should love myself and not feel the guilt I feel each day but they don’t understand how controlling it is, some days its stronger than others. When you lose all the hope you have left you look for people, anyone who will listen and show you love. 

People might say it’s me being an attention seeker, but when you feel the pain and hate for yourself like I do you will understand. You will do anything in your power to get someone to show you how much they love you just so you can see that you’re not a waste of space on earth.  The people that surround me think I’m happy, a smile is permanently marked across my face, so afraid to be vulnerable. I walk around feeling so empty and lost, just hoping someone anyone will ask if I’m ok. Instead people love seeing my hurting they do anything in there control to make me feel worthless and afraid.

My hearts still beating but I don’t feel like I exist. I’ve fallen into this hole so deep I have no strength or power to save myself. I want to be strong, but it’s hard when every day I see or hear a reminder of my past. Trust me this pain and hurt is so strong and hard to control. I want so badly to ask for help, but every time I do and become close with someone they leave me. Before this can happen I’ve now built this wall, each day its getting thinker and taller, no one can save me, I know I need to save myself but it’s hard.

People see me as this young girl sad, lonely and just screaming and crying for help, but I don’t t see that, I push people away so ashamed of my story, by story hurts not only me but the people I tell. I want help but asking for it seems so hard.  My family think I don’t need help, in their eyes I’m fine a happy young 14 year old. When really the people on here see as the person I really am. A 14 year old scared, afraid and that needs to  be shown f love and comfort.  I’m not healed.

I still feel like that 7 year old girl, I’m lost confused and scared. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

Walking around with a smile when really on the inside MY heart and whole body Is screaming in pain.

I wake up afraid

Scared

Alone

I want to be held,

Told I’m going to be ok

That I’m worth life,

I want to love myself.

I want to have hope,

I want my brother to pay.

I want him to see the pain he has caused me.

I want to scream

Cry

Crawl into a ball

I want to be happy

I want to smile because I’m happy

I want to fall deeper and deeper in love

But MOST OF ALL I WANT TO FIND ME AGAIN.

With every memory leaves a scar, my heat is broken and bruised but I’m still fighting you can tooo.

Stay strong and fight for life.

I’m glad I have wattpad and my family on here that lifts my spirits during these times…… yeah I have tried to push them each of them away at some point but they ever leave me alone CAUSE THEY CARE…..

To all you guys reading Thankyou