Feelings

Battle

So today was a shit day. One comment destroyed me whole day leaving me so upset and ashamed of the person I am today. This person was my friend she made me feel like I was everything. She was my best friend and she decided to turn on me leaving me without any one to hold me and pick me up when I fall. I went from having all these people walking by my side down the corridors of my school and sitting with people at lunch now I have no one. I feel so inferior and weak. People say I’m important and tell me I deserve the best but then they treat me like a piece of dirt.

Me as the scared young girl with the mask on all the time has had enough she is tired of pretending she is someone she’s not. She is tired of holding up this cover that shows a girl that feels so beautiful and doesn’t have a care in the world.  I wanna show people who I really am without being ashamed of who and what I am. I wanna feel loved I wanna feel and experience life as the person I am with nothing holding me back. But every time I put that wall made of bricks down people begin to see the broken and bruised girl I am. They judge and make me and make me believe I constantly need that wall up just to be accepted. I feel so broken my heart is many pieces and I have no Idea how to put it back together again. I sit alone and cry so vulnerable and scared that people will realise I’m not really that girl made of stones. I try and change myself always competing with the pretty girls. But still as hard as I try it never seems to be enough to stop the constant insults.

Everyday I’m losing more and more of myself. When thinking and trying to understand myself and who I am as a person I just see a person that is called all those nasty names. I want to so badly wake up in the morning and believe I look beautiful instead I wake up and am disgusted in what I see. I feel so alone that taking another step seems so hard. My life has been a constant battle from the very day I was born. I just wish I was able to make myself that perfect girl I will do anything just to be accepted by at least one person. Days like today I want to give up I want to stop fighting this battle. I want to end this pain, I want to escape the world that’s is constantly making me feel less and less of myself. I walk down the corridors with my head down, hoping no one will notice that tears rolling down my face. Each tear holds so much pain. This pain is eating me up faster and faster each day. My teachers don’t care they don’t notice me the girl that sits in the back corner so scared to put her hand up afraid of getting the answer wrong. They don’t notice the tears falling down my eyes landing on my books, they never seem to care and see that broken girl right in front of their very eyes. Through this 14 year battle I’ve learnt so very well so push my feelings deep down inside of me. I have become an expert on hiding the true feelings I feel. My so called family don’t care that there daughter is up here so confused and lost that giving up seems like her only option. I WANT TO JUST FOR ONE DAY FEEL LOVED.

To all those people who bully me and treat me like dirt you have one. You have won the battle, you have pushed me to far this time. All the years of “Gabby your fat” “Gabby go jump of the bridge” “Gabby you’re ugly and worthless” you have now official destroyed every piece of confidence I had and will ever have. I’m tired of fighting, because with every cruel comment there is a battle. A battle in my head, this is all getting too much.

People say they understand my pain and believe I should keep fighting but why fight when the battle is only going to continue. I wanna say congratulations to the people that can now say they have defeated the girl made of stones because right now anything seems better and staying here and hearing one most nasty comment.

Soooooo I’m so good at giving advice and helping others but when it comes to me I don’t even nowhere to begin. But anyways I wanna Thank everyone who is reading this book I hope I have helped you somehow. Like I said I don’t write this book for the comments and reads instead I write is because it’s a way for me to inspire and help people……… I will be taking a short break from writing. SORRY GUYS…….

Thanks to everyone who still continues to support me, I love all

Stay strong xoxo