Feelings

A dream that seems so impossible

Have you ever dreamed so big that it seems so impossible to achieve. Dreaming seems like everything we do, we dream and hope that one day everything we have ever wanted would come true. My dream is simple, to find happiness and to just for a day experience life without any pain. As a dream this seems so possible but in reality it stands close to impossible.

 I’m always dreaming and hoping someone can wave a magical wand and the pain I’ve gone through could somehow disappear, but this dream is never answered. 

This last week has been rough, I’ve been weak and done things I regret. I broke a promise that held a friendship together but worst of all I’ve lied to myself. For weeks I’ve been trying to push away the emotions I’ve been feeling and it’s worked, but this only made me feel worse in the end.  Just yesterday my emotions took control me and I was no longer able to keep pushing them down that I broke down. So overwhelmed I crumbled. Like always I cried for hours in my room, so scared, my emotions where killing me. I cried and screamed into my pillow, for hours I whispered “why? “I don’t deserve life”.  Each time I said this the feelings became stronger and harder to push away.

I’ve had this smile on my face for weeks now and people honestly thought I was fine, they had no idea how much I’m hurting and how much I need their support.  It felt good to be able to make my cover so believable and real, but never did I think that this cover was day by day eating away at me and slowly revelling the real me.

Right now I’m hurting, I’m in pain, I feel numb and don’t want to have to feel any more. I’m so lost and confused, I don’t want to be the victim, and I want to be the survivor.

Yesterday when I broke, I reached my all-time low, I needed answers, and I needed answers to the many questions that play on my mind every day. I went to my school nurse and just cried, cried for hours this is the first time someone has ever at school seen the real me. It was scary but she understood and held me and told me I was going to be ok.

I was so mad at myself for allowing my wall to come down. I decided to find the answers I needed, this was a stupid idea, as this led me back to the source of my problems by brother.

I sent him a message, explaining to him how much pain and hurt he has caused me. That I needed him to apologies to me that I deserved to know why I was his victim.

This led me to more heart ache.

He showed no sorrow in his reply instead he sounded proud to know just how much pain he caused me.  

He replied… (Just a little bit of what he had to say)

I never did any of those bad things to you. You must be dreaming and making up stories for attention. I’m the only one who will love you; every other person in your life is going to leave you. I will always be your brother.

This reply killed me, still after all these years he won’t admit what he did to me.

He has made me believe that what he did to me was ok, that he was just showing me love. Honestly I now believe what he did was ok. That maybe I am being an attention seeker, I don’t deserve any ones empathy. I’m just a fat worthless piece of shit.

Since that reply he has been sending me messages, reminding there is nothing wrong with what he did to me, that all the people I know don’t love me.

This hurts, I’m so afraid that this is true, that I’m not loved that people don’t really care about me. I feel like that little girl again, controlled by my brother and his power.

I need an escape, I don’t want to continue being the victim.

I just hope and dream that I can move forward.

My feet are glued to the ground and I cannot move or breathe. I’ve lost the Gabby People say they love and care about, she’s gone, and she’s buried do deep down inside of me, that allowing her to escape means showing people my demons and fears.

How could you,

I trusted you,

I loved you.

I cared.

You where my brother,

You told me you will always protect me.

I guess people change,

I hate you,

You don’t deserve me love,

Why did I ever believe you?

My friends they CARE,

THEY LOVE ME,

You will never be my brother again

You’re a MONSTER,

YOU DON’T DESERVE MY TEARS.

You have destroyed me

Killed me

Left me alone, so weak.

I will always love you, but the pain you have caused me is so much stronger,

I don’t remember you as my brother

Instead I remember you as the monster that broke me.

I hope you’re happy.

Hope you have accomplished what you wanted.

I may be broken and busied but at least my heart is still beating and inspiring others.

My story is inspiring; you should be ashamed to even speak of what you have done to me.

Your have killed me,

14 years old so weak and afraid,

But I guess that was your plan.