Feelings

Remider

Have you ever watched a really good movie and because it’s so good you watch it over and over again. I know I have.  The difference is that the movie I see is not one I want to see every time I close my eyes.

I’m made to watch a shot movie every time I close my eyes, every time I think I can escape the world. I’m reminded of what I want to leave behind most, my past. It’s like video that never turns off, its constantly replying the abuse, it doesn’t end until I wake up scared, in tears and with that feeling in my body that it happening all over again.  I wake up so scared, tears flowing down my checks and my breathing is heavy. Once I wake up I’m so afraid to close my eyes and fall back asleep, knowing that I’m only going to wake up again. Yes I’m no longer in an environment where that will happen again, but every time I close my eyes I’m right back there, that 7 year old girl. Screaming and crying out for help, but no one ever listened. My voice was never heard, no one listen and took the time to help me such a broken and fragile girl.

During the day I’m thinking and in pain, the only way I know how to stop the pain is by sleeping, it works for a few hours unstill that movie begins. The constant reply of images and his voice plays in my head constantly. No idea how to make it stop, it constant and forever.

I’m tired of the endless days and nights of pain. I don’t want to feel any more. I want to love myself, I want to live and not just live because I have to but because I want to. What’s life when day after day all you think about is taking the next step into ending the pain? When all you want is give up.

I’m lost, confused but most of all broken. I’m still that girl who was afraid and scared, still now I feel that. I’m tired of fighting and pushing forward.

People say they understand my pain, but they will never truly understand the daily battle I face. No 2 stories are the same and never will people be able to truly comprehend what someone going through. Yes we will be able to support and show love and I’m so glad I have people in my life who truly love me for me and not me as the victim.

Today I feel like I’m always going to be the victim and never the survivor. I hate feeling so low, that I want to escape and leave.

 I don’t want to feel weak, I want to rise but it seems like that’s never going to happen. People say happiness is a choice, but how can you possibly choice to be happy when every night I’m reminded of my shameful past. I don’t want to be sad and live this life, but I guess God chose me for a reason.

With every dream,

Comes a nightmare.

So scared and afraid,

I force myself to shut me eyes,

I don’t want to feel.

I surrender,

I quit,

I’m sorry 

But the pain is to much

Guess this is ok,

I’m nothing,

Just a worthless cow.

I don’t deserve life,

Why try,

When every day starts with that reminder

Nothing ends,

Only gets worse,

I’m sorry,

I don’t know any more,

I still that fragile girl,

Screaming for help,

But no one cares,

My family don’t see the dead me inside,

I’m lost,

Scared,

Weak

Alone.

My heart is broken and bruised,

Is breaking more and more each day I live.

Should I say bye?