Feelings

Fight

Over the last couple of days my life has been one big battle. I’ve experienced low before but never have I felt such desire to end this long hard horrible journey. I wanted nothing more to take away the pain. I just wanted to say goodbye and hopefully enter a place where I would be accepted and felt loved. I walked around feeling so empty and alone. My heart felt nothing but pain. The voices in my head were telling me to give in, to let my brother win. For first the first time in 20 days I felt so weak, I wanted so badly to end the numbness I was feeling. I felt so lost and confused that life didn’t seem like something I wanted to fight for any more. I lost all belief and hope one day I would rise above this horrible experience and become a stronger person. The one thing that kept me fighting and alive are these very special people Belle, Roody, Jules, Jenny, Dee, Kyla and Micah. Each and every one of them have been by my side from day one. This last week when I’ve needed them most they have all come together and help me pull through this hard period.

They each gave me advice and reminding me constantly that I I’m worth life that I was gonna overcome this. During this time I was constantly questioning myself, my worth, my future and but mostly I asked myself time and time again did I deserve Life? I asked myself this question because I was so afraid of moving forward, I realised how hard life is dealing with this trauma I didn’t wanna have to feel like this again later in life. I felt so ashamed and guilty that, I felt the whole thing was my fault. I didn’t feel like that warrior people see me as, people tell me I’m strong but during this hard time I felt anything but strong. Instead I felt weak, I felt such a passion and drive to take away the beautiful gift I was granted LIFE. Many tears where wept, but I’m so great full to have friends that truly care about me. They saved my life. Because of their constant messages of hope I was able to come out of this whole week unharmed physically. Yes I cried many tears and I felt these horrible feelings but because of the love of my friends I pulled though.

I have a serious problem trusting people, only because I’ve had my heart broken so many times before. I’m so afraid of becoming close to people cause I don’t wanna be let done again, it just a defence mechanism. Every time I tried to push my friends away they would not leave me instead they continued to send me messages even if I didn’t reply. I would tell them I wasn’t ready to talk or wasn’t is the mood to talk.  But this only made them work harder to try and make me feel the love and respect they knew I deserve.  All the love I received from my friends allowed me to realise I need to fight though every hard time because they are only gonna make me stronger. Yes I’m gonna struggle and have days I feel like giving up but through those times I need to really dig deep and fight. I was given the gift of life because I deserved it, not so I could give up and take the easy way out.

To all the you guys thinking of ending your life, think again because your so worthy and have the potential to do great things in your life if you continue to fight and take each day as It comes.

The pain is way too strong to bare.

No one up there is answering my prayers,

No one understands,

The voices are telling me to take that next step.

I crawl up in a ball,

Screaming and crying why? Into my pillow.

I feel so numb,

I wanted to end this this fight.

I message from a friends,

You’re beautiful and deserve life is on my screen,

Tears falling down my cheeks.

My phone chimes,

Three of my best friends telling me to fight.

I drop to my keens.

I realised I’m loved,

I’m not alone.

I wipe away my tears,

I’m able to breathe again.

MY FRIENDS SAVED ME LIFE.

I’m not saying it’s easy because it’s definitely not. You don’t just feel better instantly. Yes I realised I’m worth life but this doesn’t take away all the other feelings I feel. I’ve decided to Stay Strong and be a role model to tell anyone going through a struggle it gets better. I want to be a person people can look up to and say if she can be strong and overcome the felling of suicide then so can I. I have all faith and belief you can do it. Yes I feel strong and want to see the next sun rise but I still feel the feelings of shame, guilt, and hate but not to the point where death is my plain. Yeah today I feel weak, lost and confused but I’m gonna STAY AND FIGHT because I can get though anything IM A WARRIOR.

One of my dearest and best friends sent me this today. She has been a big part of me realising I can get through this and should continue to fight.  I love you so much. We’re going to Hawaii together one day yayya!!!!

I never want you to feel hurt or broken,

Because your heart is like a golden token.

You’re the sweetness person I have ever met.

My mind is set,

That you’re the strongest role model here.

So put on your armour and gear,

Because you’re a warrior honey.

I really connected to this passage and felt like every word was so true. Calling myself and being seen as a role model at 14 is amazing. Never did I think that shearing my story could help anyone. One beautiful girl messaged me yesterday and told me this book is inspiring her and keeping her strong during her recovery. Hearing that made my day and brought me to tears. Knowing I’m helping one person if only one person is an amazing feeling.

A big thank you to guys me true friends @roody96, @BelleAnnaQuinn @Nicknemidemi @jenny_a93 @lovaticthetimes @itz­_micah02 @lovato_chick….. I LOVE YOU ALL, U GUYS SAVED ME FROM FALLING……

To all you guys reading my story, I hope u are continuing to enjoy. I would love to hear you feedback. Each passage and word in this book is from my heart. I LOVE YOU ALL… STAY STRONG. XOXOX