Feelings

Faded away

Some time ago

I was able to fake smile,

It seemed like it was working

Like I was convincing myself

And everyone around me I was happy.

But now,

Today,

In this moment

I'm tied of pretending,

Showing that smile,

It's not working,

Nothings working,

It's all too much,

I'm fading away,

More now than ever,

The girl I once was

She's gone,

Alone with the rest of my being,

It's all too hard.

The times I try to be happy,

To get past this,

A nightmare,

A flashback,

A movie scene,

Will again take me back to his room.

A queen size bed,

A little girl,

In the middle

Undressed,

Scared,

Unable to get out of his grip,

Listens to his

Commands,

His threats,

I did what I was told,

"Go faster"

"Shut up pig"

Everything he said I obeyed,

His lips of mine,

They felt so wrong,

So disgusting,

His hands touching my body,

They felt like rough bricks,

His hot breath,

Against my skin,

Yuck is all I felt,

It was so wrong

I hate myself,

For doing the things

At 7 I lost the sacred part of myself,

My virginity,

My worth,

My dignity.

All that time spent in his room,

Killed me.

I don't want to fake smile,

But it's the only way people will leave me alone,

To stop asking question,

Why did he do it?

Are you ok?

Why didn't you stop it?

When did this happen?

I don't know any of the answers to these question.

I hate being a victim,

More so I hate that I was my brother's victim,

He killed that little girl,

His words,

His actions

Have sliced my heart.

Talking

Screaming,

Crying

Nothing is working.

The memories,

That pain,

It's like a shadow,

One that never leaves me alone,

It's always walking closely behind me.

Its dark,

It scary,

It's lonely,

In my world.

I'm a shell,

No life,

No soul still exist in me,

The un harmed 7 year old,

Child I once was

Has faded away,

She's left me,

To fight this alone.