Feelings

For You

It brings me to tears to know someone as special and beautiful as you has cancer. Only a couple of days ago I found out my grandma has cancer it shattered my whole world. I can’t stop crying, just knowing day by day her body is giving up, she’s dying. Growing up I was always over at her house, together we could do gardening, cook, watch the out favourite TV show ‘home and away’. Being raised in an Italian family it was normal to always be at your Nonna (grandma), and Nonno’s (grandpa) house. They are like my second parents. My bond with my grandparent is indescribable. My grandpa past away a few years ago and that really hit me hard; I was so close to him. Now thinking that my grandma will be gone soon hurts. It’s not fair. I feel like yelling and screaming, she doesn’t deserve this, no one deserves cancer. I just wish there was a queue that all her pain could be taken away.

I saw her today. Seeing her broke my heart. I didn’t even recognise her. I walked straight past her she doesn’t look anything like the grandma I remember from 6 months ago. Yeah I said 6 months, for a long time now I’ve been mad at her for still talking my brother, so I cut her out of my life, I stopped going to see her I avoided her calls. This makes me sound like a horrible person but I’m mad, still she talks to my brother, not caring about anything he did to me. This might make me sound selfish, but it’s the way I feel, I feel betrayed. I walked into her room today; she was sitting on her arm chair in the hospital, sitting in front of a window looking so lost in thought.  Today I had to put that angry and pain I felt away. She looked so pale; she was white and so discoloured. She has lost so much weight, I could tell the smile on her face was fake, how could she be smiling knowing she’s dying and there is no way to save her. She will start treatment, god I pray she will get better, that she will be cancer free, I’m praying for a miracle. I know she’s strong; she will fight until her last breath for life. She isn’t the type of person who will let go easily, she will fight and I won’t let her stop fighting because I can’t lose her too, not without a fight, not before I say sorry and beg her for forgiveness.

You don’t deserve this,

I wish somehow I could take away your pain.

I wish this past week was all a dream,

This can’t be real,

You can’t leave,

You can’t be this sick,

It’s not fair,

I’m sorry,

For being selfish.

I wish I could stop this,

I wish maybe I could help,

What do I do?

You’re a fighter,

I know God will protect you,

When you leave us,

God will receive an angle.

I know you will always look down on me,

You will be my nightingale.